Baby, Nevermind

I see him walking by and think of how easy it would be to run after him and spill out the truth, but I don’t move. I stay on place as if my feet were glued to the ground. I know I’ll have to admit this to him sooner or later, but I just can’t. I watch in awe as he passes by proudly carrying his brand new guitar, the one we went shopping for together. Thinking of all my times spent with him instantly brings a smile to my face. I quickly look away. He’s not going to catch me staring. I’m not ready for that yet. Will I ever be ready? Or will I manage to keep these feelings to myself for the rest of my life?

          I watch him walk into the kitchen to make a sandwich. I stare from a distance. How do I find out what he really wants? I inch my way closer, but stop. What will I say to him? I want to go there and make some casual conversation, but decide against it. He is one of my closest friends here. I don’t want to lose him. Without him I’d be nowhere. He’s one of the few people who gave me motivation and advice along the way.

          Meredith is calmly lying on the couch like there’s absolutely nothing going on. It’s during times like these when I get too jealous of her. I want to be her. She gets food and love every day. There’s nothing bothering her. I walk over to the couch, sit down and start stroking her soft fur. She begins purring. Sometimes Meredith is all I really need to forget about my problems and dilemmas, but I don’t think it’s going to work this time. My eyes leave the cat and wander over to where he is finishing his quick snack. I look at him and think of everything we could be. I think of everything else he doesn’t yet know.

          Like the time we were sitting by the water. We were just talking about music and cats, nothing serious, but I already felt myself falling for him. He had no clue about what was going on with me. One moment we were sitting side by side, then the next I was leaning over staring into his eyes trying to read his mind. He simply thought I leaned in to better hear his voice on that noisy Saturday. Little did he know, something completely different was going on in my brain. One part urged me to scream ‘I love you’ in his face, while the other told me to get away from him. I was fighting a war against myself and the side that was in love was winning. I lost all control then. I brought my lips close to his cheek and kissed him. I abruptly pulled away as soon as I realized what I just did. I hoped I didn’t ruin anything. “Is it starting to rain?” he had asked sounding adorable. Apparently, he wasn’t paying attention and didn’t notice the kiss. Phew, that was close! I swore on my life to never try anything again with him and find another boyfriend. I never really did. I never told him anything either and I am not planning to.

          He’s heading out of the kitchen and out into the sunlight now. And walking by me again. I pretend to ignore him, but figure out that won’t be possible. If I can’t have him I’ll have to satisfy myself by staring. It is hardly anything compared to having him hold me in his arms, but just the sight of him is better than nothing at all.

“Taylor, do you want anything?” he asks me.

You, I almost say but then come up with a more appropriate answer. “No, I’m fine, but thanks for asking,” I fake a smile, “Have fun with your new guitar.”

He grins back, “I will.”

          Then I am left alone with my thoughts and Meredith for company. I peer out the window and hear him strumming a heartbreaking song. But what if he really wants me? Or maybe my imagination has gone wild and my hopes have risen too high. But could I be correct? We are both alone pretending to be happy, when in reality we are missing the one thing we need which is eachother. This is not true, I stop myself and continue petting Meredith. He doesn’t love me and never will. He isn’t worth my time. He is probably in love with some other girl that actually likes him back. I have no chance.

          I walk to the window and stare. He’s beautiful. I have so many things to say, but can’t say anything. The only thing I know is that I love him. But there’s no way I’m ever going to say that to him! My head starts spinning and I nearly lose my balance. He looks over at me and smiles. I smile back calmly, but inside I am going crazy. ‘Just say it!’ my brain commands. ‘I love you Grant,’ I mouth in his direction after he stopped looking at me. I briskly turn around and walk away from anywhere I can catch a glimpse of him. If the only thing that seems to help is being alone, then that’s what I’ll do from now on. Because I just can’t afford to lose him. This one person means so much more to me than a hundred other people combined.

          I walk to the bathroom and pace around the small room. No matter where I am I can’t seem to get my thoughts off him. He’s always there like a creeper in the back of my mind. Why am I doing this to myself? I look around the tiny confined space which I have locked myself in. I just want to be next to him and I can be there, so why am I here? Taylor, you need professional help, I tell myself. Nobody normal thinks about one particular person for twenty four hours each and every day. “But I can’t help it!” I whine quietly.

          I unlock the door and head over to my room. I unzip a secret compartment of my purse and carefully pull out a wrinkly photo. Taken on the day we first met. We both hugged instead of posing for the picture so this is what I now have, but I don’t mind at all. I observe the photo until my vision starts to go fuzzy. I lay this priceless aged paper under the bed and lie down.

          Next thing I know is me and him both standing in the kitchen together. We are cooking dinner. Oh how this reminds me of that day at the beach! But tonight will be different, I promise myself. We are two friends cooking together. That’s all. But I want it to be more than just that. I start heavily sweating as I approach him, but I ignore the threat. I have to tell him this after all the time I’ve been keeping it to myself. “Grant,” I say with my whole body shaking. “Yes, TayTay,” he winks at me. “I have to tell you something.” We look into eachother’s eyes for a while before I continue slowly and unconfidently, “Grant, I---” my voice cracks and I take a deep breath. I gather my remaining courage and force the rest out in one slurred sentence, “Grant, I am hopelessly in love with you and have been this way since pretty much our first meeting. You never even considered this option, but it is true. I love you.” I am sweating all over now. What will he say? “Taylor,” he begins without much emotion, “I always thought you were different. What happened to us being friends?” “Nooooo,” I moan helplessly. He continues, “I really enjoyed being in your band and playing guitar with you, but this is too much. I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you now.” He picks up his guitar and walks out the door without another word, never looking back at me. I started flailing my arms and legs around and screaming like one of my limbs had gotten amputated, which in a way has just happened. The one thing I thought would stay with me forever has just walked out the door without a final goodbye or anything.

          “Taylor! Taylor!” I heard my name as strong arms held me body down. I woke up drenched in sweat and screaming. I suddenly remembered. I opened my eyes and looked up to see Grant. I breathed a small sigh of relief. He was here. “What just happened?” he demanded of me. “Uh..nothing,” I blushed a little, “I guess I just had a terrible nightmare. Well.. frightening dream,” I corrected myself since it was technically still day time. “Come on. You have to eat something,” he guided me to the kitchen and pulled out a chair.

          We were almost finished with our cereal when I decided to speak out, “Grant, I’ve been holding this in for a long time,” I looked down at my feet, “And I should tell you now,” I paused again and just looked at him for a long time. “What’s going on Tay?” he finally broke the silence.

          “Nevermind,” I say quietly and almost in tears.