I used to love taking baths. Long baths, just relaxing and not thinking about anything. Being able to turn your mind off for these 30 minutes while you're soaking there was something I should have appriciated more. As years passed and stuff happened I was no longer able to enjoy baths. Taking a bath now meant having to listen to my thoughts which was like trying to read backwards in German.
To avoid sorting problems out and go deep in to my mind I prefered taking showers at that time. Quick 15 minutes, rubbing the soap and mummbling an annoying pop song that was overplayed on the radio.
After I got out of the shower, I took my pills out of their containers and sorted them into a small line on my desk. "There's no point." A voice in the back of my head said.
And I agreed. So I threw the ones I had to take that day in the bin.
I quickly put clothes on, I didn't really care what I wore. As long as it's comfy and it fits, it's my style. I decided to experiment a little this morning and tried to put some make-up on. And of course I failed miserably. I used to be so good with these stuff. I used to wear make-up all the time but I eventually stopped caring. Which let me think I only wanted to wear it to impress people and fit the standarts and that frankly disgusted me.
"Do you think dad's got a girlfriend?" Jonah's trying-to-sound-manly voice asked me as I entered the kitchen.
Honestly, I hoped so. He barely slept home, so having a lover would be ten times better than him drinking or taking drugs.
"I don't know." I looked at my lap. Jonah wanted to know what was going on inside my head, I appreciated that he cared but I couldn't talk with him about my feelings. Besides, he was still just a kid.
After dropping Jonah at school, I decided to go to a salon and change my haircut. My long blond hair just wasn't matching me at all. My therapist said that at some point I'd crave a drastic change so I hoped that was it.
"What'd you like, honey?" The nice lady asked me as I settled in the chair, facing the big mirror.
"Something different than that." I said as I ran my fingers trough my hair. "Shorter."
"What about changing the color? Black maybe?"
"Black is good."
Watching my hair go, I felt kind of relieved. My mom once told me that cutting your hair is like letting go of your past. That was exactly what I wanted.
An hour later I was facing a slightly different me. I now had bangs and my hair was nearly touching my shoulders. It didn't looked at all like the girl I despised as much. The girl I was facing looked like... me.
"It suits you." The lady whinked at me after I said goodbye.
I still had to visit mom and her boyfriend. I didn't even bothered to call Jonah, when he said something he meant it. He didn't want to come to lunch at mom's. I had been driving the car for two days and to be honest, I didn't enjoy it as much as I used to. It wasn't the fear, it was just the memory of him screaming playing on a loop in my head. I decided to leave the car and take the bus, mom lived an hour away (As far as possible from dad and us). The bus stop was five blocks away so I was left with my thoughts again.
I looked at my hands, my nails. I haven't painted them in forever. I used to love having them painted black, Daisy would paint them for me, after I begged her because she was feeling too lazy. I took my phone out of my pocket and searched trough my contacts for her name. It wouldn't hurt to see her again, would it?
I stared at her contact pic for a while. It was a picture of her and Daniel. They were making silly faces. I used to look at their pictures and miss these times so bad, now I only felt emptyness inside. Daniel was gone. Dead. Murdered. Killed. By me.
I qickly locked my phone and put it back in my pocket. I was already at the bus stop and the bus didn't took long to turn up. I got on and sat in the back because it was least crowded. I put my earphones and started listening to Slipknot, trying to be as relaxed as possible.
As I was trying to do that, someone insistently patted my shoulder. I turned to face a blond haired boy. I furrowed my eyebrows and he pointed a finger to my earphones, probably suggesting I take them out.
"What?" I said when I took them out.
"Wow, that was some angry music you were listening to." He awkwardly laughed.
Was this guy for real?
"I'm Nicolas, but everyone calls me Nico. Nice to meet you. What's your name?" He offered me his hand but I shook my head.
"Nova." I said and put the earphones back on my ears.
"No, wait." Nico said and literally dragged my earphones out. "Where are you going?"
"BearValley." I sighned. "And you?" I only asked him because it would have been rude not to.
And boy once this guy started talking, he couldn't stop. He went on and on about going to a party with his friends in town. He even told me all their names but I didn't bother to remember. I told him I was vising mom and her 100 year old new husband, Steve. While Nico was talking I started thinking. If I had died right then, would anyone come to my funeral? When he named all of this friends, I started thinking that I had none. Zero. Nada. No one to come to my funeral. I even doubted my family would show up. My dad would probably be busy with work, Jonah doesn't like funerals, and mom... well she will probably be attending Steve's funeral at the time. It was sad. I had no one. My friends will probably get relieved I've died. Bet they wouldn't come. And one thing I know for sure, Daisy wouldn't come either. She's really sweet, and forgiving and nice but she never forgets, and I killed her brother. She won't show up, like everyone else. She'd think karma finally got to me. Which, I couldn't agree more with.
"So what are you saying?" Nico interrupted my thoughts.
"Yeah, yeah." I looked out the window. We were almost there.
"Cool, mate." He grinned.
Two minutes had passed and the bus stopped. I checked my phone for the time but I didn't really care if I was late for lunch with my mom, she cheated on my father with fucking David Rockefeller.
I got out of the bus and looked around, surprisingly seeing Nico standing next to me.
"What?" I said AGAIN. This guy was getting on my nerves. That was probably one of the main reasons why I didn't have friends. I hated people and I needed my space.
"What do you mean?" He said and got his hair out of his face. "I'm coming with you to your mom's. We already talked about it, Geez. You have problems remembering stuff, Nova." He casually started walking down the street as the bus left.
