Swan Song

Chapter 1- Frost

                  

I sit at the counter of Sandy's, the smell of cheap coffee and greasy foods wafting around me. Snow fell softly outside the window. I squint in an attempt to make out the individual snowflakes like I did when we were kids, but it is to no avail. I'd been here for about an hour.

Now or never.

Sighing, I pull out 2 crispy dollar bills to pay for my hot chocolate, slam them on the counter, and walk briskly out of the diner. The wind instantly attacks my face.

Damn it! Why do I always forget my scarf?!

Glancing both ways, I cross the street, turn the corner, and walk down a side street. I'd walked this path so many times, my feet know it by heart. My heart. Ha! What was that bloody mass of treachery doing now? Beating faster and faster as I got closer to his building. The Christmas lights blinked merrily at me from the windows, doors, and yards of the houses that I passed.

Just stop by, he'd said.

Don't, my conscience scolded me. I knew that it wasn't a good idea. I knew that this was forbidden territory. Because coming here meant something. It wasn't just a friendly holiday visit to my TA.

God, did those even exist?

No, my conscience reminded me.

But he'd said that I could come by if I wanted to. He had technically invited me, hadn't he? The way he'd looked at me as he said it. Those intense green eyes. The subtle demand. As if he was expecting me to come. Because we both knew that I would. We both knew something had changed between us.

I break away from my thoughts, long enough to open the apartment door building and to walk to the elevator. I press the upward arrow and wait. My heart beat slows down. Everything seems to be going in slow motion. The ticking of the clock in the lobby. I drum my fingers gently on my thigh.

Ping!

The elevator door inches open, releasing a pretty blonde with smudged make-up and tussled hair and an older guy in a black North Face. I squeeze past them and press 7.

The elevator rises up, up, up as my stomach drops to the floor.

The doors opens, admitting me to the seventh floor.

I take a deep breath and walk out, turn down the hall and stop at his door.

Suddenly panic shoots through me. What would I say?

I stand there, contemplating my choices. I could make a fool of myself by knocking on his door or I could turn around and leave before he knew that I was here. But if I didn't choose the first, I would spend the rest of the break replaying this episode over and over again.

I knock on the door gently.

There. I did it. Now if he doesn't answer, that's not my fault. Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

Maybe he's not even home...

I hear a movement behind the door, a click, and the door swings open before I can make up my mind to leave.

He stands there, his hair wet from a shower, a white towel tied around his lower body. Otherwise naked.

"Logan?" he says surprised.

I notice the tone of surprise. Maybe he wasn't expecting me to come after all.

Instinctively, I glanced down.

This was so not how I wanted to see him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" The sudden coldness in his voice causes me to glance up.

"I was just...you told me to..." Before I could finish, he slammed the door in my face.

Everything hits me at once...humiliation and shame mostly. I shouldn't have come. I was so wrong. I was so in the wrong. What was I thinking?

I shuffle back down the hall and hop on the elevator. I need to get out of here. What the hell was his problem? Humiliation had subsided. Now anger had taken its place. I couldn't have read his signs wrong. He'd been the one to suggest coming over. His playful hand tugs and smirks. He'd led me on.

My iPhone vibrates in my pocket, but I don't bother to check it. Maybe it's him. Apologizing...or trying. I don't want to talk to him. I hop on the bus and take a seat at the back of the bus, far from anyone else. It was getting late and colder. I just want to get back to my dorm room.

Thank God Lennox had already caught her flight back home two days ago so I had the room to myself.

I kick off my winter boots by the door, and lie face down on my bed. Why even bother to turn the lights on?

Lennox the ever-festive Christmas elf (or at least that's what I called her during this season) had strung multicolored lights all over both sides of the dorm room.

"I know you're not big on Christmas," she'd said noticing my face as she unpacked the lights, "but come on, how can you not feel happy with these up?"

"I'm already happy," I reply defensively.

"Okayyyyy," Lennox says obviously not convinced.

Well, maybe I had been a bit down lately, but so what? That's college for you. At the time, I was currently chugging down a coffee and suffering from a lack of sleep. I wasn't the only zombie shuffling around campus with bags under my eyes and an attitude. This winter break was much needed.

But Lennox most likely had already finished all of her projects at least a week ago.

Perfectionist. I roll my eyes.

"Are you sure you don't want to come spend a couple days at my house before going home?" she asked for the hundredth time.

"Lennox, really, I'm fine. I'm just stressed from this workload." I give her a reassuring smile.

"Okayyyyy." That tone again. Lennox blew a stray curl from her face, and began hanging the lights over my bed.

"Oh, come on! Not my side of the room!" I playfully throw a pillow at her.

"Wait until you see the garland!"

I open my eyes and roll over onto my stomach. The lights reflect on my bedding.

I should have went with Lennox. I shouldn't have stayed here to see him before going home.

Now, I'm stuck here for two more days.

Hopefully, I won't run into him around campus before then. I roll my eyes. At least, I'd get to escape for almost a month for break, before coming back and seeing him in class again.

But somehow, even that isn't comforting. I still feel embarrassed.

I pick up my iPhone.

New Message.

Lo, I'm sorry.

Let's Talk.

Missed Facetime Call.

Lo?

I sigh. I don't want to deal with this tonight.

I change into some pajamas and turn on the newest episode of Pretty Little Liars.

I need Me-Time. And pizza.

I always need pizza.