I'm Rose

help

I notice that if you try really hard than you can make yourself feel bad, with anything. Once I was sitting with nothing to do, I guess I was just bored but I thought long and hard about wanting a headache as an excuse for laying down. Than all of a sudden my head started pounding. It was a sharp horrible pain, but it's what I wanted. I don't quite understand why, but I did this often. I gave myself horrible pounding headaches for no reason, I guess it just helped from the horrible thoughts. It helped. The pain helped.
            I mean don't get me wrong, I've tried to get help from a therapist, but it just.... it just doesn't work. I want so desperately to be able to talk to someone that understands. When they don't get it, they can't help it. Therapy is supposed to help people who have a hard time dealing with themselves and letting someone talk to them. For me it just doesn't work, no matter what they say I feel like they are just sitting there judging you, some help they are.
          Jonah has been texting me a lot, he's defiantly flirting, but I'm not like that I don't do the whole falling and love and dating thing, the only time I could see having a spouse beneficial is when you're old and don't have a lot left to do with your life. Other than that what's the point having someone tie you down? Yeah so if you love them yay you it doesn't do you anything better than that. Most girls live there life thinking that the main goal in life is to get a husband and get married, but to me it's not. Having children is a horrible idea to me... why would you bring an innocent child into this horrible, ruthless place? I don't understand.
This Saturday morning I rolled out of bed at the shinning nine am ugh. I walk downstairs and get some cereal and slumped back up the stairs lazily.  I sit on my bed in the corner of my room, slowly finishing my cereal when I hear the simple chime of my phone. I pick it up and discover yet another text from Jonah this one catches me off a bit not gonna lie. I sat and thought about it for a second and decided what the hell might as well. I grab a quick shower and got ready with a bit of blush and mascara I looked pretty decent which is rare. I slipped on my old Abercrombie jeans a cute simple green shirt and my old black converse. I run a brush through my damp, cold, brown hair. I take one quick glimpse in the mirror and get outside where the chilly cool November air kisses my cheeks. I hop in my tiny car and head off towards the park to meet with Jonah.
                                  •••
      "Finally i've been waiting like all day" he said playfully with a mischievous smirk on his face.
"Aye not my problem that you gave me no warning" I said with a laugh, he joined in and motioned for me to join him on the blanket that was laid out under a tree.
      We sat in silence for a while i'm not sure what he was doing but I admiring the newly fallen leafs, fall had come later this year which I guess is good. The tree we were leaning on was tall and strong much like I wish I was.
      When I got out of my thought trance I looked up to discover Jonah staring at me. He had a smug little smirk plastered on his face like a little boy that just discovered gravity would make his toy car go faster down a hill. He looked down at his hands before saying, "Dang it's chilly"
"That's all you're thinking about right now?"
He laughed at my lame attempt at a joke. I looked at him with his chiseled features and there was not denying it he was attractive, I mean lots of people are but I don't understand how someone like him could be so attractive. He must have noticed my staring by what he said next,

"What are you looking at?"

"Nothing nothing." I laughed hoping it would rub off the awkwardness since he totally noticed me staring at him. I can feel my checks burning up so I quickly change the subject,

"So why did you want me to come out here?"

"Because I wanted to see you,"

"Why?"

"Okay you see Rose texting isn't always the right way to do things."
"What do you mean?"

"That's just not the way to get to know someone"
        I don't understand what he's trying to do or if he's trying to do anything he may simply just trying to make more friends... Yeah that's it for sure, but why me.

      "hey, so like at of all the people here you choose me to hang out with?"
        "Yeah totally you should feel honored"

          I laughed, "but why though" 

      "Rose, you ask to many questions"

"Oh i'm sorry"

"Calm down, i'm kidding but to answer your question why not?"

We talked for a little while longer, and walked around the park when he asked,

"What do you want to do after high school?"

I obviously couldn't tell him that I didn't want to have an 'after high school' so i just said, "i don't know... i have't thought about it yet." He looked at me for a minute or two almost if he was shocked, but I mean I guess you don't ever really met a seventeen year old who doesn't know. I can not tell him why I really don't think about it.

"You're kidding right?"

"No I am not I honestly just don't know yet"

"Oh" we spent the rest of the walk back to the parking lot in silence, we got to my car when he looked up at me and shortened the space between us. His face was inches from mine. I never realized how tall he was till he was standing this close. I look up to find his blue eyes almost asking, I didn't move. He moves closer and put his lips to mine. They began to move in sync, no hesitation, his hands slid down to my hips and back to my neck. Before I knew it we pulled apart he was holding my face in his hands, his eyes were closed I saw a tear escape. He opened his eyes to reveal the bloodshot eyes, on the verge on tears, he let my face go and had a puzzled look on his face before turing away and walking back to his car without a word. I look up and find Noah dumbstruck staring at me with his mouth wide open. Shit I forgot that he runs at this park every Saturday. He walks over.

"Okay what the fuck was that Rose?"

"I don't know," I managed to choke up before I knew it tears soaked my face, Noah put me in my car and drove me home, I felt dazed, confused, and most of all confused. Noah helped me out of the car and walked me straight to my room. He wrapped me in his arms and talked to me about little things to help keep my mind off what just happened but nothing was helping. What did I do that made him cry? Is he okay? What does he really want with me? These questions haunted me for days.

A few days passed, on Monday morning I went to school, by this point I had put Jonah behind me I mean he hasn't talked to me so I guess he feels the same. When I got home I walked in the back door and drag my self up the stairs and plop myself onto my bed, when the little brat walks in,

"You forgot this," she tosses me my cell phone.

"Oh thanks"

"Yeah whatever" she said with the roll of her eyes.

I look at my phone to see a text from Jonah,

"I'm sorry".