I am feeling lonely and sad again, my friends say I have a depression. Do I?
I finished High school last year and college was going to start in 2 weeks. Most of the days I lay in bed not even wanna wake up or do anything. It has come to the point were I don't even want to eat anymore. I feel sick, ill, I want scream and cry. But nothing happens, not a tear nor a word.
Today was different. I promised myself to get up today and actually do something. I was getting dressed, fixing my hair and forced myself to eat breakfest. When I look in the mirror the only thing I feel is hate and me wanting to change myself. I wish I could get on a plane and fly to California and never come back. But I am stuck. Stuck here were everybody stares at me and talks about me.
I don't understand how people think. You have to look like this, dress like that and don't do this because then you are different. And being different is not something that is good. You want the attention they say. I just don't understand how people can be mean against girls showing nudity, "She is a whore!" "How bad does she think about herself?" I don't like to judge things people do. If they want to do it, let them. It is their life, not yours, and it is unfair to judge someone for being who they are.
All these thoughts go on and on in my head. All day. Sometimes I just go crazy. I need something to focus on. That is why I am going shopping today.
As I am sitting in the train this boy comes ans sits across me. There aren't much people in the train because school hasn't started yet and it is early in the moring. He looks at me but then turns his head away. He is scared. Off what? Me noticing him looking? Some people will find it annoying and rude, I didn't mind at all. His stare looking at me in a way like he wanted to start a conversation instead of looking at me like I am a freak made me feel good.
People normally creep me out and I can get really nervous. But not with this boy. For the first time in months I feel comfertable around someone. It feels like I know him for years and he is my best friend.
When I arive in London I step out and when I turn around I see him looking again, kind off sad. I like him, he seems nice.
I go to H&M to see if they have a nice confy sweather. It is supricingly calm and I enjoy it. After I splurched some money on clothes I actually don't need I walk up to a café and buy me some coffee. With caramel. I love caramel. The warm colour and sweet taste like burned happiness. The sticky smooth texture like a cat who thinks you will never come back when you step out that door.
I find myself a place to sit in a park and smoke a sigaret. Feeling the warm smoke damaging me from the inside. I feel happy and in piece, today is a good day. Without noticing it a big smile is drawn on my face and I feel happy. That's all there is. Happynes.
I sit there for a few minutes enjoying my coffee. When I stand up and turn around I see the boy from the train. He looks like he is wanting to say something life changing. Like he has big news. He walks up to me and says "hi."
He asked me were he could get a cup of coffee because he saw me drining it. We talk for a little while and he tells me about him never going to big cities. This is the first time that he went on his own to London. I say I can show him some places in London. He agrees. I like him. The way he talks, with his eyes all big, really getting into the story. His clothing, nice but different. His thick brown hair wich shines like a lightening ball. We go to the main city and sit there at a café. We share a chocolate muffin. He is a really fats eater. Probably because he goes sporting very often and needs a lot of food to give him energy. He is a dancer.
When it is around four we decide to go back. I ask him were he lives. He lives very nearby. About 10 minutes with a bike. In the train we talk even more and laugh about stuff. He gives me his number and says he really likes me.
Back home I go upstairs and take a shower from this long day. I can't stop thinking about the nice boy I met.
Just when you stop looking for something it will happen to you.
