The next few days I feel weird. But everyday I go away from my bed, my room and my house for a nice long walk. I love the smell of fresh air. You can feel the oxygen get into your body. It feels like doing something good fo myself. Something that won't hurt me.
Taking a walk I pass some teenagers from about the same age. They look at me. When I pass them I hear laughing and one even shouts at me.
I wish I was still a little child. Scared of the world and the smallest things. I would go to my mom and she would hold me thight with her arms around me, saying: "It will be fine." No things to handle yourself, just your beloved parents. But it isn't like that and I am no longer a little child.
I walk for a while and keep thinking about the things they sad. Flashback come by an I feel terrible. I am trying to stay calm but I think I am having a panick attack. I just walk on but I am struggeling to walk straight and I am lightheaded. I feel this pressure on me. Like something is pushing on my chest, really hard. The steps that follow are so bad and I am freaking out. My body is shaking. I collapse.
When I wake up I feel nutral. All the things that have been said or done to me I seem not to remember for a couple of seconds. The white space I am in seems piecefull. Clouds softly touching you, a very soft sound you hear. Like a mermaid, she is trying to reach you. It seems magical.
"Marcus! Marcus, are you there?" "Yes" I try to say but nothing comes out of my mouth. Slowely my eyes open and I see my parents looking at me. "Were am I?" "You are in the hospital baby, you are fine"
Apparently my panic attack was so bad that my body collapsed and I had an irregular heartbeat. I still feel very tired and I have terible head aches. I'm looking on google for classicle music. I want to feel the same way I did in the hospital, in piece, the soft and safe sound.
"Did you already buy notebooks son?" My mon asks. "No, not yet" "well good that I thought of it first because the shops aren't open and I bought you some yesterday. "Thanks mom." "What would you do if you wouldn't have me!"
It was the last day before school and I was mentally preparing myself. College was going to start. New people, new chances. I took al my piercing out and died my hair back brown again yesterday. I don't look noticable, good!
Since I am back from the hospital my partents (especially my dad) made me eat 3 meals a day. I do admid I have been feeling a little stronger, not so weak anymore. My parents were really shocked when they heard what happened to me and I can notive they still have trouble dealing with it. Most of the stuff happened that day I don't even remember.
I grab my book and start reading. It gives me the feeling I am the character and for ones I can feel just like anyone else. With the book on my head I fall asleep. Goodnight!
