GAGE

42| m i s e r y

Update because some of you were begging for this lol
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I have a lot of explaining to do to Kelly, but that can wait.

He doesn't say much to me when we get inside his and his roommate's house. He just tells me I can stay in the room I am currently sitting in.

Why does God hate me? Is this really it? I don't know if I can bear staying away from Gage. He said he loves me... how could he say something like that? Was it just a stunt to keep me there? Why was he even upset anyways? I have so many questions.

My kind takes me back to when Hailey told me that I can't understand the fact that someone actually cares about me. Especially that someone being a guy who has no feelings but anger.

My eyes burn as the realization hits that I left and it's over. Do I love him or is it that I love the feeling he gave me?

• • •

Let's just say I didn't get much sleep last night. I could barely open my eyes meaning they're swollen from the amount of excessive crying I did yesterday.

I can't say that what happened last night hasn't happened before. I know that doesn't make it okay, but I'm not as affected as I should be. Or as I would be if I hadn't already dealt with the shit that I have which no one knows about.

But that doesn't need to be discussed right now.

I turned my phone off while receiving the nonstop texts, calls, and voicemails left by Gage. If I hear his voice I might just go back.

Maybe if I find someone else to give me that same feeling, I'll be over him. No one could though.

A soft knock travels through the door and I try to speak but my voice is too hoarse to be heard. Kelly pops his head in and he says, "I'm going to class, you'll be okay, right?"

I nod and try to give him a smile which probably looked like one of those awkward looks white people give when you catch them staring at you.

He says something about his roommate which I tune out before he closes the door.

I need a distraction. I refuse to beat myself up over something that is best for me. I'm better than this and I am sure as hell stronger than this. At least the old Josie was.

I wish I was the old Josie. The old Josie was happy and everything I'm not. Now I have no job, no home, no friends, no school, or really anything for that matter. Why do I miss Gage already?

Probably because I know that I won't see him again.

Or I hope I don't.

That was a lie.

He's such a good guy in the worst way. I can't believe he told me all those lies to get me to stay last night. Especially that he loved me.

Maybe I'm ignorant, or in denial, or I'm too stupid to see, but I just don't.

I manage to drag myself out of the bed and go downstairs. I haven't been here in forever.

I get myself a glass of water and try to take small sips, but it almost comes up every time. I lean on the counter, struggling to keep myself up.

I think I'm more upset about leaving Gage than being raped which is probably the most pathetic thing anyone could ever think.

When I was younger, before my parents died, my uncle on my dad's side used to make me have sex with him. I never wanted to go back to that time in my life so I never mentioned it. That was why I pushed my parents away.

I won't go into detail, but unwanted nostalgia washes over me nonetheless and I put my head in my hands. I drop the still full glass into the sink before running to the bathroom upstairs.

The sudden burst of energy makes me nauseous and I stick my face into the toilet. I pull my hair back as everything from my stomach spills out of my mouth.

I groan, laying limp on the floor.

I hate my life. I honestly hate it.

I forget that my parents are gone momentarily as I think about how much I want to see them. The reality hits, mixing with other emotions and tears immediately poor from my already burning red eyes.

After a few minutes of heaving I find myself kneeling over the toilet again. My body lay lifelessly on the ground in a heap of misery.

I end up repeating the same routine for days. Day after day, it's all the same: I wake up, cry, stay in bed, cry more, and sleep more.

It's day four. I haven't eaten or spoken to anyone. My phone is still laying in the corner of the room, off. Kelly keeps telling me to eat something and he brings me things to eat that I leave at the door.

I find it so incredible that he's doing all this for me, not even knowing what happened, and especially after how trash I've treated him. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything except for what I'm getting right now which is pain and sadness.

I need to get my keys from Hailey's house so I can get my car back and drive away to Africa forever and never come back. If only I could drive to Africa.

I guess the only way to get my car is to turn on my phone and call Hailey.

I crawl to my phone and lay on my stomach pressed against the floor as I power it on. When my lock screen opens, it's not long before notifications pop up after another.

I ignore them all and go straight to my contacts. I listen to the rings after I press her name.

"Josie?" she answers frantically.

"Hey, can you pick me up from Kelly's house?" I ask forwardly.

"Kelly's house? Why are you at Kelly's house?" she questions.

"I guess it's a long story... can you just come," I speak wearily, "please."

"You know, your rude ass boyfriend came to my place a couple days ago looking for you?" she says and I can picture her sassy facial expression."I told him I didn't fucking know where you were, yet he still tried to break in! Can you believe him?" Yes. "It was ridiculous, he's insane!"

"Oh..." I say quietly after a few seconds of silence aside from my sniffles.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" she asks loudly.

"Yes... no," I say as tears flow down my flushed cheeks for the millionth time this week.

"Okay, I'll be right there," she says more calm.

"Bring my car keys, please," I manage to get out before hanging up.