Micky

random truth and rant moment

I have no real reason for how I feel. There is no explanation for it. The sadness and grief. The jealousy and fear. There is no real reason, so why are they there? Why do I feel sad and alone when I scroll through my friends posts on Facebook? Why do I feel so down when I think of school or going anywhere? Why dont I feel like I can do anything worthwhile? Why do I hate on myself and doubt my every move? I catch myself talking to myself sometimes, saying how stupid what I just did was or how I'm an awkward idiot who can't do anything right. Usually its when I try to have conversations with people. Once I was talking to my friends brother (it was my first time meeting him) I didn't know who he was at first (we were at a convention and we just started talking) and once he told me his name I said, "oh! I've slept at or house before when your parents were gone." (I was staying there with his sister for a thing that weekend. They don't live in the same state as me) After I said that I couldn't stop yelling at myself in my head. What was I thinking? How could I say something so creepy and stupid? I just want to know why I always put myself down and why I'm such a failure at being normal and social and having real friends. One of these days I might end up just saying screw it all and changing everything, and right now I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one. All I can say is that I'm tired of feeling so crappy and hating myself so much.