Micky

my awful truths

(To clarify i am 16, not some whiny 13 year old girl who is so obsessed with herself she cant thibk of others) I have something I wish I could say to the people around me, but I don't have the courage, so I'm saying it to you. I get so self conscious and nervous when I talk to people and end up saying the wrong thing. I don't understand what is wrong with me! Why am I such an awkward person? I was texting my friend and I asked her if she was still sick of summer, because earlier in the week we talked about how summer is getting to be too long, and she said sort of. I said same. The she said, "I'm not like depressed about it or anything." I choked up, and its not because I was uncomfortable with her being depressed sometimes, but because I felt so stupid for asking about summer. I realized me asking probably sounded to her like I was worried about her being depressed, or that I was checking up on her and not just enjoying her digital company. It made me sound like I was all high and mighty taking pity on her, and that's not how I want to portray myself. I always get so awkward. The conversation will start off funny and relaxed, and I'll end up pushing it into this uncomfortable moment where I think the other party either feels obligated to respond or feels weird talking to me. Also I have these moments in my life when I'm super chill, enjoying myself, when all of a sudden I'm hit with an awful memory of a moment when I was so uncomfortably awkward. Lately it has mostly been flashbacks of my first kiss (which only happened recently). after the guy kissed me, he later said that since it was so awkward we should stay friends. He then took my number, and I haven't heard from him since. This was a boy I've known since fifth grade when we went to camp together. Do you get it now? Do you see how utterly awful I am to be around? How uncomfortable I make everyone feel? How stupid I act? These are things I wish I could say to someone who really knows me, but I have no one I belive I could trust not to turn away from me or hurt me with what I tell them. I'm alone and full of stupid words.