Ten Things

Epilogue

“Are you ready for this?”

I stared at myself in the mirror, at the black lines beneath my eyes and the Heart football jersey, one that didn’t belong to me. Mr. and Mrs. Loving had gifted me with it a couple months after Grace had passed. I ran a hand through my hair and turned to face Jayden. “Yeah, I guess.”

Unconvinced, he entered the room and closed the door behind me. He perched on the edge of my bed, staring hard at me. “Everything okay?”

No, I wanted to say. No, everything was not okay. Six months it had been since Grace died, and I still hadn’t gotten over it. I couldn’t drive by her house anymore; hadn’t since that one time when her parents asked me over to give me some of her things to keep, saying she would have wanted that. I was stuck, unable to move on, and I didn’t know how. “Everything’s fine.”

“Right. I don’t believe that one bit.” He leaned back. “You still miss her?”

My throat tightened and my eyes stung. Dammit. Those stupid tear ducts had been malfunctioning a lot lately. “Yeah, I do,” I croaked. “I loved her.”

“Then you make sure everybody understands that,” he stated lowly. “You tell it to every single person in that stand, on the field; everywhere. You tell them how much she meant to you, how amazing she was. Let her legacy live on.”

He had a point, I knew he did. We were both in college now, but everybody had agreed to come back for this. To gather in the football stadium of Heart High School together, one last time, alumni and current students, to finally and formally make amends. I needed it most. I was sure of that.

I left the room, Jayden close behind, and jammed my feet into my shoes along the way. I didn’t wait for him to get situated in his own car; I drove off, fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly, arriving at Heart High School all too soon.

Memories. They plagued me like a silent ambush the moment I opened my door. Steps I walked with Grace, places we laughed together. The cafeteria, where we had our first kiss, however horrible it was. The locker room, the field, the parking lot . . . They were everywhere.

I heard the engine of Jayden’s car rumble up beside mine. The lot was packed; I could hear people in the stadium without having entered it. I shoved my hands in my jeans pockets and strode through the gate, trying desperately to keep a lid on the emotions. I had been trying so hard for so long, and one day I would break. Soon, I bet.

There was a podium in the center of the field, where I knew I was supposed to stand. Four months ago I had attended Grace’s funeral, but I hadn’t spoken. Her parents asked me to speak, and like the coward I was I just couldn’t. I couldn’t accept her death. It had gotten a little better, and I had agreed to do this. For them I could. And for Grace, I would do anything.

When everybody saw me walk on to the field, they exploded in heinous applause and shouts. I ignored it, eyes kept straight ahead, stopping only once I was on the platform and behind the podium. I waited for them all to quiet down. When they did, eerie silence entered the stadium. It settled over everything like a blanket. I removed my hands from my pockets, set them hesitantly on the surface of the wood podium. I lifted my eyes and scanned the crows. It had to have been the entirety of Heart and then some. It was jam-packed.

I recognized a few faces, couldn’t name quite a bit. They had all come in honor of me, in honor of Grace, in honor of everything she represented. And that was hope, faith, trust, and irrevocable love for the world and everyone in it. I could never amount to being anything anywhere near her, but I could try.

I licked my lips and took a deep breath, and I leaned forward so my mouth was closer to the mike.

“Thank you,” I began, my voice sounding loud and yet small in the large space. “Thank you, all of you, for coming out. Most of you for making a long trip, taking a break from your studies. Whatever it was, thank you. It means a lot to me—to us—that you would do such a thing.

“I’m not great at this whole public speaking thing, so I’ll try to keep it short. Most of you knew who Grace Loving was. She was a wholesome human being, better than anybody I knew or could know. She never hesitated to love, or trust, and invested faith even in hopeless causes. Much like myself.” I smiled slightly, mind filling with more sweetly toxic memories. “She was incredible. An angel. And because she was so incredible, and did her time carrying out what needed to be done, she had to leave.

“I don’t understand death. I’m not going to even try and pretend that I do, because I don’t. I don’t know why certain people have to die. I don’t know why others are magically restored and brought back. I don’t know why some live so much longer than others. I honestly don’t have a clue. But what I do know is that it can’t be the end. Because how could it, when all of us are standing here? I loved Grace Loving more than I ever loved anybody before. I thought my life would come to this screeching halt after she died, but you know what? It didn’t. Not really. Because I had a life to live, and good deeds to carry out, and I owed it to her to live the life she wasn’t able to live.”

Dead silence throughout the stadium. Not a person said a word.

“We get so caught up in routine,” I continued. “In life, in ourselves, in the screwy material world we claim not to be able to live without. Grace didn’t care about any of that. And I had never seen anybody happier than her, or anybody who knew how to enjoy life more than her. She was truly amazing, and there is not a single day that goes by when I don’t miss her like hell.” I had to stop, catch my breath. Keep a hold on myself. I felt something wet slide down my cheek, wind into my mouth. It wasn‘t raining. It tasted salty, too.

“I don’t know that this is a message,” I said. “Or if I’m just rambling to give you all something to listen to. But life is so damn short, you know? And sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is really making an impact, and then I realize you just can’t wonder that. You have to do what you want to do, and live without regrets, and love unconditionally, because one day you won’t get the chance to do any of that anymore.”

I turned from the podium then, feeling more tears slip free from my eyes. Applause erupted behind me. I ignored it, rushing for freedom, for escape. I found my refuge in the locker room, shutting the door behind me, immersing myself in silence. I fell on the bench, my strangled cries all that interrupted the quiet.

“It’s okay.”

My head snapped up, eyes darting around the room for the whispery voice, but I was alone.

“Everything will be okay, Cole.”

Crazy. I had to have been crazy. Because that voice sounded just like Grace’s.

“Live and love. Do that, and remember me, and everything will be okay. Life has to go on.”

I sniffed. “How do you know?” I questioned into the open air.

 “Because,” the voice replied, soft as a summer breeze. “We have no other choice.”