Burnt Black

Chapter 2

I didn't sleep much that night. I didn't know how. My mind was racing, replaying the events of the evening, trying to understand them, and I didn't even realize how numb I had been until the moment I started crying. It was quiet, but it was forceful; demanding my attention, and forcing me to accept that maybe I wasn't okay with everything that had happened. After all, how could I be? My only security; the only stable thing I really knew had just shifted under me and it sent me tumbling. My best friend wasn't human, not fully, and this was something I had never prepared myself to accept. It shattered everything I thought I knew, and I felt stupid. I felt stupid and lost and confused, like I had been breathing underwater all this time, and suddenly I had to adapt to dry oxygen. It tore at my lungs and throat, manifesting itself in the sobs I couldn't stop, even though I tried. I wanted to be okay, but 'okay' was an only an ideal. It didn't feel real, and I didn't know if I could truly expect it of myself.

Oh, but I wanted it so badly. When Aiden had kissed me, just for a moment it had felt like things were falling into place. Me and him. Hallie and Aiden. Meant to be. We fit together like I had dreamed we would, but even that hurt. Even the solidity of that moment didn't feel real anymore, and as good as it felt, it was just another thing to knock me off my feet. I had never been good with change. I hated it.

But Aiden, my Aiden; I loved him, and maybe not even to my full potential. He was still my best friend, and I still cared about him, and I would still be there for him. Even if it drained me.

When I finally got to sleep, it was well after midnight, and I woke up every couple hours in need of another blanket to keep myself warm. Eventually morning came.

I was tired, and my eyes felt raw after a sleepless night and confused crying, and my head hurt, so I made a decision. I wasn't going to think about Aiden today. I wasn't going to think about the part of him that wasn't human, and I wasn't going to think about kissing him. I wasn't going to do it... but then I found that the shower just wouldn't stay hot enough, as if I had an addiction to heat, and I realized it's hard to give your mind a break from the only thing on it. Like it or not, my thoughts weren't my own today, and I had a lot to figure out.

I wrapped my hair into a wet bun and slipped into a skirt and a tank top. The top was red. Like fire. Like Aiden. I needed a distraction, so I called Susanna.

I had only known Su since the tenth grade, which wasn't very long seeing as grade twelve was only starting in September, but she was my next closest friend, after Aiden. She and I didn't have the years of friendship I shared with Aiden, but as soon as we met I knew we fit together. She was one of the few people in my life I didn't worry was temporary, and the way she talked made me feel like the future wasn't so scary, after all. We were on the same track, and that was what I loved about her. The time didn't matter. Just she did.

"Hey, Hal," she answered only after a few moments. Susanna always had her phone nearby.

"Hi," I began, and then froze. I wasn't sure what to talk about. I had no intentions of telling her about what had gone down the previous night. Aiden's secret was not something for me to share, and I needed to come to terms with the other stuff before I could let her in on it. At the very least, I needed to talk to Aiden first. But, of course, my mind wouldn't think of anything else.

"What's up?" Su continued, which only made me more confused. What could I say? But then Susanna saved me with a second question. "Are you going to the potluck later?"

I exhaled in relief and told her I was. Both my mom and Susanna's dad were involved in the local theatre society, and every so often they held potlucks and fundraisers to more or less generate support. Su also got into acting in some of the plays, and I was glad to watch her, but participating didn't appeal to me.