Memories (ours together and ours apart)

Every day you save me

    Steve was enjoying a late Saturday afternoon watching Clint and Sam play Mario kart. He was sitting on the back of the couch, one leg over the front, the other against the left side, sipping coffee nonchalantly. Sam's cart passed Clint's, and Clint groaned loudly as Sam let out a cheer of victory. Steve chuckled lightly at his friends, and took another sip of just-this-side-of-scalding coffee.

He heard the open and close of the elevator doors to the media level of Stark Tower, and somehow already knowing who it was, Steve turned to look.

"Hey Bucky..." Steve's greeting faded as he saw his best friend. The other man's hair was hanging in a tangled curtain around his face, dark circles under his eyes, hands shaking and teeth clenched. His normally bright blue eyes were dark with fear and hurt.

"Buck, you look like hell...what happened?" Steve swung his legs over the couch to stand up, his worry showing in every move.

Bucky mumbled something that sounded like "Memories," and gave Steve a look that said 'Help me.'

Steve stood up the rest of the way and moved to Bucky, leaving Sam and Clint to their game, both of whom weren't looking at their screen anymore. They were both staring after Bucky with slightly shocked expressions on their faces.

Steve lightly brushed the fingertips of Bucky's right hand with his left. Bucky took the invitation, squeezing Steve's hand as hard as he could. Steve led the way to the elevator, not caring that he was losing circulation in his hand. The ride from the media floor to their private floor seemed impossibly long. Bucky kept his distance-besides their hands, still joined together between them- but Steve could tell he was trying not to break down.

As soon as they got to their floor, Bucky collapsed onto the couch. Steve sat beside him, trying to appear as calm as he possibly could. "Tell me what happened."

"I just-I came back from a run, and I was about to come downstairs to find you...and then it hit...so many memories Steve...I did so many horrible things-I- I can't-," Bucky broke off, face in his hands, panic rising with every word. "Every day for the rest of my life I'll be haunted by what I did. There's no escape, it'll never end."

"That's not true, Buck. First, that was not you. You were just the weapon; Hydra pulled the trigger. And second, you are getting better. You used to have these attacks every day, now it's only every once in a while. You will get better. I promise you."

Bucky's only response was to shake his head in distress, too upset to answer. Steve sighed and leaned back, squeezing Bucky's hand lightly.

Bucky looked up suddenly, eyes flashing with hurt, tearstains running down his cheeks. "I killed thousands of people. Ones that begged me not to, innocent ones, little children even."

"Don't do this," Steve shut his eyes and tilted his head back.

"I didn't even think twice. I just killed them. I had no regard for human life. I probably would have killed the whole of humanity if I was ordered to."

"Bucky, stop," Steve warned, sitting up and facing the other man.

"I could have killed you just as easily," Bucky added quietly, lowering his eyes to the fabric of the couch.

"Oh, Bucky," Steve breathed, giving his friend a sad look before pulling him into a tight embrace.

Bucky went limp in Steve's arms, letting the tears fall freely now. The two lay there for a while, Steve with his back against the left arm of the sofa, one hand combing through Bucky's hand, the other wrapped around his waist. Bucky's face was buried in Steve's shoulder, arms linked loosely around his neck, legs intertwined with Steve's.

After a while Bucky looked up, blue eyes meeting blue eyes. "Stevie?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm ok now."

Steve took a deep breath and smiled reassuringly. "Good. You scare me when you do that, you know."

"I know. I'm sorry. About everything. About all of it."

"I know you are. I'm sorry too. If I'd never let you fall..."

"Don't blame yourself for any of this. It's as much your fault as it is mine,' Bucky sat up, looking Steve straight in the eye.

"Yeah, I know," Steve sighed, sitting up as well. "That doesn't stop me from thinking about all the different ways I could have saved you."

Bucky moved closer so he and Steve were sitting side by side and leaned his head on Steve's shoulder. "You did save me. Without you here, I don't know where I'd be, but it wouldn't be good. I'd probably still be killing people for Hydra. Every day you save me."

Steve smiled and wrapped his right arm around Bucky, humming in happiness. Bucky tilted his face up towards Steve, so their noses were almost touching. Steve exhaled, letting himself relax into Bucky, never breaking eye contact.

"Steve," Bucky started, lost in the captain's eyes, never wanting to look away.

"Bucky," Steve replied, feeling much the same way and not sure what to do about it.

"Bucky answered that question for him by pressing his lips to Steve's, unsure at first, but slowly getting more confident.

Steve made a small noise of surprise but quickly gave in to the kiss; deepening it immediately. He could taste the saltiness of the still-fresh tears on Bucky's tongue, could feel his dark brown hair falling like a curtain over Steve's face. Nothing had ever felt so right before, not even Peggy. Somehow, Steve knew this was meant to be, his and Bucky's destinies were tied together forever.

They finally broke apart, both gasping for breath. Bucky grinned, and Steve grinned back.

"You jerk. How long have you...?"

"Since Brooklyn, I think. I just didn't really realize it until now," Bucky smirked. "Punk."

"Same," Steve pulled Bucky back to him again, this time feeling a lot more relaxed and confident. "Should be fun telling the other Avengers about this," he mumbled between kisses.

Bucky laughed, laying his head on Steve's chest. "You're in charge of that."

"You are such an asshole," Steve shook his head.

"You love me, though,"

Steve smirked. "Maybe I do."

Bucky smiled, closing his eyes. "You better."

The two super-soldiers lay there for a long time, both with eyes closed, Bucky with half his face pressed into Steve's chest, Steve with one hand on the back of Bucky's head, fingers tangled in his hair, the other tucked behind his own head. Buck's breathing eventually became regular and slow. Steve stretched up to turn off the light, careful not to disturb the sleeping form of Bucky.

In the darkness, Steve laid down again, staring off into the blackness of the room. He took a deep breath, feeling completely at peace for the first time in a long, long time. Before he closed his eyes for the final time that night, he whispered out into the darkness, "I love you, Bucky,"

Several seconds later, just as Steve was drifting off to sleep, he heard the quiet reply,

"I love you too, Steve."

END