Men of U.N.C.L.E.

Mission 5: The Argument

Back at the hotel, you have just finished reading your assignment papers.
You are not too bothered by the spying part, honestly. You've been training very hard for a long time, and after shadowing Ilya, you're more than confident in your field skills.
It's the 'pretending to be married to Napoleon' part that worries you.

It's not like he will do anything too inappropriate; after all, he is a professional. But, still, spending a prolonged period of time with him will mean getting teased mercilessly.

Sighing, you lean your head back against the sofa and close your eyes for a moment. Deep breath in, deep breath out...Just as you are starting to feel relaxed, there comes a knock from the door.

Annoyed, you drag your feet to the door and swing it open, glaring. However, your irritation quickly turns to embarrassment when you see Ilya in front of you. Or, more accurately, you see his broad chest, since you still can't bring yourself to make eye-contact.
Oh god. You are not mentally prepared to interact with him. What are you even supposed to say? Do you invite him in? Do you make him stay outside?
"Howdy!" you yelp, in a high-pitched voice. Then you mentally kick yourself. Howdy? Really?

"May I come in?" he asks, dragging your focus away from your internal turmoil.

"Yeah! Sure! Go in!" Every single word coming out of your mouth sounds like an exclamation. How do you make it stop?

He ignores your social ineptitude and strolls in confidently, sitting on the couch. His gaze roams over the file you just finished reading, and then his mouth curves downwards slightly.
Damn him, he has great lips. And he's really good at kissing, from what you can remember. Though, to be fair, after the amount of alcohol you drank that night, you would have thought a blobfish was a good kisser as well.

"I was just going over the mission, I wasn't thinking anything weird or anything!" Smooth. He'll never suspect you now.

"I don't think you are ready; this mission is too dangerous and..." he begins, calmly.

At his words, your awkwardness turns into anger. "Excuse me?"

Now, it is his turn to avoid your glare. He is still staring at your identity card. "I spoke with Waverly, and I will be going as back-up."

You are really, really mad at his announcement. Granted, you aren't at his level yet- that sort of thing comes from experience. But you arecapable, and the fact that he doesn't trust you, even after he mentored you, is infuriating. "Ilya, what the hell?"

And you were even thinking he had nice lips before! You take that back.
"I am a spy! Of course the job is dangerous. If I wanted safety, I wouldn't have signed up for this. You can't just barge in and do whatever you want, you massive, pig-headed, lumbering---"

Before you can finish your barrage of insults, there is yet another knocking sound.

You stomp forward, throw the door open even more forcefully than before, and scowl at the man in front of you.
Great. Now you have to deal with Napoleon too.
"What?"

"Is this a bad time?" Napoleon asks, though he probably can tell it is a terrible time. He stares at Ilya quizzically, his ever-present smile not faltering for a moment.

"What do you need, Solo?" you repeat, tightly.

"Since we will be leaving tomorrow, I thought I should probably take you shopping. Your style does not suit my wife's. But, if I am interrupting..." he steps back.

"Wait! You're right," you call. "Give me a minute to get ready."
Right now, you don't think you can speak with Ilya without slapping him. For the first time ever, spending time with Napoleon sounds like the more appealing choice.

"Alright," he tells you.

Ilya stands, and for a second, you think he is going to reach out and apologize. Instead, he walks out of your hotel room almost as quickly as he came in.
Fighting the urge to violently throw everything around or cry, you grab your purse and a jacket.

You will figure things out with him some other time. Until then... treating yourself to very expensive things sounds like a great coping strategy.