The Smile That Killed(Phan)

The Laws of Existence.

A/N: Okay I am so sorry for completely abandoning you guys. I haven't updated in two weeks, which isn't good enough. I have written this so many times in so many different ways, and although I am still unhappy, I feel this is the right one. I am a total asshole for not replying to your comments as usual, so I will be this time, I promise. Votes and comments are always appreciated, more than you think. Also, 11,000 reads! Wow! Thank you all so much, you rock. Song is at the side.

I felt dazed. Permanently. The world didn't feel real, it felt so fake and staged that it physically hurt me. I breathed so heavily now, like I was going to collapse any second. That's what it felt like. A numbness had arrived, making my head feel like cotton wool, and making the pain more apparent. Except nobody knew I was in pain, with the exception of two, and only two.

The first was Mrs Jardine. She had sat through the courts with me, gripping my hand when she was allowed to. She listened to Dan's father, watching him smirk at the end of every sentence, and she knew he was lying.

He constantly observing me. Every single move I made, every breath I breathed in those courts, would be remembered by him. I stared mindlessly as he told his tale once again, how I had pushed him down the stairs and threatened to kill him if he moved, before he blacked out. How he had known that at some point, I was going to murder his son. According to him, this was because I had spent so much time with him, finding out every little detail I could about Dan. But I didn't try to find out things about Dan. All I ever did was let him tell me the things he couldn't keep inside, it wasn't a matter of making him tell me anything, he had to. I don't boast about it, but if I hadn't found Dan in that forest, he would've been dead long before. The agonising look he had shown me when I first spoke to him, told me he was broken. Shattered.

After I had supposedly threatened him, he told of how he heard me say that his son was going to die. But he couldn't do anything, because he couldn't physically move, otherwise he would of done all he could, he said. The most disgusting parts of the courts were when he pretended to actually look upset about Dan. He'd cry and purposely shake his hands, letting his knees bang together as he wailed about his lost son. I clenched my fists, and only just stopped myself from exploding. He didn't give a fuck.

The story he made up was ridiculous. I had beaten Dan, abusing him. Then I had tied the knot in the rope, as he cried unable to move on the floor. I had stood him on the stool, placing the rope around his neck before pushing him off it. Then I had pretended to look horror struck as the ambulance came, and they had came up to the bedroom.

I really thought I was going to prison, the judge believed him. That was until one last piece of evidence was revealed, and I had seen Dan's father's face drop. The phone call to the emergency services. They played the recording, and the court became silent. Some people on the opposite side began to cry, others just held their faces in their hands.

"M-my b-boyfriend k-k-illed h-himself..." rang through the court. It didn't fit up with Tony's story. He said that a neighbour had phoned after hearing Dan's screams, and that I had called later than I had.

"NO!" he had screamed angrily, fighting his way out of a policeman's grip, "You have to believe me! He killed him! HE KILLED HIM!" He was dragged away, and taken into police custody for further questioning, and I was confirmed innocent.

I didn't jump for joy or anything, I simply looked up at Mrs Jardine, and she understood. Squeezing my hand, we were escorted outside, blinded by the flashes and deafened by the constant question, "You're innocent, how does it feel?"

The other person who knew I was in pain, was Dan. I don't know how I knew, or how I could hear one of his present thoughts swirling through my mind, I just did. It was always, "I'm sorry Phil. Everything will be okay, I promise." Nothing more. I was so angry at the world. What even was the world, and where the hell was Dan? If God existed, then he was making some very twisted and stupid decisions. I would also have to confront him about the laws of existance, they were so confusing.

It was strange being released. I had spent many nights in a cell throughout the ongoings of the courts, staring gloomily at the grey bricks and noting how uncomfy the bed was. There was one advantage, however. I could look at the stars. I hardly slept at all when I was in the cell, I just looked from one star to another, before looking at the biggest and feeling the corners of my lips move slightly. Only slightly. Dan was there, he was with me the whole time, I never doubted that. The star twinkled for attention, more than any of the others, and when I finally rested my gaze on it, it seemed satisfied.

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what people are thinking, hell, sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world. But right now, that isn't the case.

Mrs Jardine had asked me to "pop round to the shop" to buy some milk, as it had run out. I didn't want to go, but I did of course, because she had given up everything for me. Her husband hadn't been able to deal with the situation anymore, and moved away soon after the final court case. I had felt so guilty. We sat on the sofa that night, both of us wondering what on earth we should do. The television was on again, and neither of us were paying attention to it, again. A tear had run down her cheek, and I sat there guilty as hell, and held her close while she cried. It occurred to me that if any other student had been in this situation, they would of run a mile, because teachers aren't supposed to cry. But it just seemed normal. We were holding each other together, even when huge parts fell away.

I was walking down the street, and wasn't suprised at how much people were staring. After all, I had been on their televison screens every day, and here I was dandering down the road. Their faces displayed there emotions very clearly.

The old man trimming his hedge? Weary. He doubted the jury.

The teenage girl carrying her skateboard? Desperately wanting to say something. But not brave enough.

The little old lady fixing her plant pots? Sympathetic. She gave me a sad smile as I walked by.

The toddler playing with his stuffed animal? Oblivious.

I wished I was oblivious. But that was pretty impossible, considering the whole thing was about me.

Would you like to know how it feels to have an entire shop stare at you? Probably not, but I'm in charge, so I'm telling you. It feels like utter crap. Piss. Fuck. I bumped into someone, who turned out to be James Smith. The school's bully.

I picked up his things muttering how sorry I was over and over, but he didn't say anything. He just shrugged and went to the counter, leaving me to find the milk. I was beyond confused, but too tired to think about anything. So I just bought the milk and left, and the only person who stared at me as I walked back down the street was the old lady. She waved me over, and I stepped into her garden warily.

She plucked a few flowers in silence. They were white roses. She tied a ribbon around them, and placed them onto the ground, to hug me. She was warm and kind, and I let my face drop onto her shoulder, the hug lasting a few seconds.

"Thank you."

"Think nothing of it, honey. I wish I could do more," she sighed. She slowly bent down, carefully picking up the flowers and looking me directly in the eyes, holding them out to me, "You know what to do."

I took them and left her garden, holding the roses like they were the last flowers on Earth, and looked up to the stars. And sure enough, the biggest one of them all was there watching, twinkling more than ever as I stood on the pavement, tears falling down my face.