Too late

Broccoli

I never could fully watch a movie. it was an old habit of mine where I would stare not at the screen but at the people around me. During that time i would find out more about that person then I would talking to them.
For example I could tell when someone was having a good day. They would stare at the screen and be so engrossed that you could wave a hand in front of their face and they would not break focus. ( I tried).
I always thought that if I could understand them then I could be a better person. However now all I feel is regret. I spent so much time trying to understand others that I never fully understood myself. I never knew what my favourite colours was or my least favourite vegetable. It's broccoli. I know that now. But I want to know more. I want to explore my mind like so many others had done already.

Do you know what really makes me mad though? Is that nobody cares. You might think they do... But they don't.
Did you know that your eyes reveal what you are feeling? Because I do. I have for a while. People will look at me and say,
"I'm so sorry" or "what bad luck!" And I would look into their eyes and know.
They never mean anything. Behind the false façade of optimism and hope, is a blank page, an empty book a unfinished chapter. And it angers me that they believe that they are being nice and doing good and 'achieving their charity act for the day' because all they are doing is pretending... And no one cares.

I have had a lot of free time recently. It is a constant challenge to occupy myself. I often find myself and my mind wandering.... Often about space. This is odd for me because I never studied science growing up, and found this topic particularly boring... And yet I keep returning to it.  I often begin by thinking about the never-ending universe. This is because I believe that there must be an end. I do not know how I know that, but I do. This topic subsequently links to the idea of extra-terrestrial life, which I also believe, to not exist. I also do not believe in God. Do not ask me why. I just don't.
However after a while, I also end up on the same topic... Black holes. I think it's because they remind me of my situation. So here are a few facts about black holes:
They take in everything. They consume all. They are lightless. Soundless. They are dark. Alone. Always waiting.
And I laugh because I never thought I would end up this way.

My name is Ruth. I am sick...Very sick. I will not get better. That is a fact. I am running out of time. I do not think that the doctors are even keeping me here because they think they can somehow find me a miracle. I think they just feel bad.  But there is one more thing...

I am a black hole.