My Story

Everything and nothing

I know I'm crazy, weird and a tad bit creepy. I know I'm all over the place at the moment... because the truth is I don't know what I'm doing anymore... Everything has changed, everything is different.

You've changed, I've changed and I don't know what or how to go about it... You act like I'm a stranger now, you  keep avoiding me... What did I do, can you please tell me?... Surely you can't avoid me forever.

I've been acting out/screwing around of late... I'm sure you've somewhat noticed, everyone has event hose who have never really talked to me before. As I said I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I was comforting the slut you slept with the other day. I may be angry and upset but at least I can move forward and get over it all... Why can't you?... Every time you see me you look away or change direction... Sometimes you'll go so far as to not come sit with your/our friends if I am there. What did I do?... Why cant you look at me?... Does it hurt to look at me?... If so why?... Can I help the hurt go away?

It probably frustrates and angers you to know i can sneak out if the house now... right? I guess because of the way you ended thing between us and what you did with that slut... It motivated/inspired me to find successful way... I guess broken hearts motivate and inspire people to do things more than what love can.

I have so many questions I want you to answer... But the questions I want answered the most are... Why did you do it??... Why didn't you tell me??... and... Why the fuck did I have to find out from everyone but you?!? 

I read recently that a person will not tell the truth about something if, it hurts the person asking the question or if they feel guilt/ashamed of the answer/what they did/might have done to you or someone else... Is that why you cant answer the questions or look at me? Is that the reason as to why you wont answer with anything but 'I don't know'??

I'm not handling this well, I'm sure you can tell... So please if i meant anything, ANYTHING at all to you... Please answer my questions... And set my racing mind at ease with some answers please.

I'm not one to cry so easy... It's been happening so much lately I've resorted to dehydrating myself, so I don't cry that much/at all... I can hardly sleep, concentrate or speak... My body is weak and I feel helpless.

I wish I could hug and kiss you one last time... I wonder what it'll be like... Will it feel different?... Will it be akward, like hugging/kissing a stranger?... Will it feel empty, cold and meaningless?... Or will it be full of all the feelings we've kept inside?... Would you even still do that to me again? 

All the tears that I have shed, have been accompanied by silence... I just want to go somewhere to let out all the pain... To let out all the cries and sobs... To just have  good cry.

You looked at me today, thank you. It was by accident I could tell, but still you looked at me... You were smiling and mucking around with everyone... Then you caught my eye, and stopped smiling... You looked at me for a few seconds and then looked away... Your eyes were sad and held something unreadable.

It took you a minute to get back to goofing off and smiling again afterwards... Can I ask what went through your head? Why were you sad? I'd really like to know... What do you think about when you think of me?... Do you even think of me anymore?... Do you still use those pictures I sent you? Or do you not find me attractive? Do I not do anything for you anymore?

I want to cry, but I can't I'm to dehydrated and just... Empty.

You're looking good, you're looking weight... Are you eating properly? Because all week I've only seen you eat twice... I'm worried about you, do I have a reason to worry or am I just overthinking again?

I know you're hurting, I can see it clearly... Can I ask what's hurting you so bad? I wish I could help... Can I do anything to help? Let me know ok... I know things are bad between us, but I still care... Even if you don't anymore... I know how stupid.

You cut your hair a few weeks ago... I was really short, I didn't like it... It's growing out now no I must say you look fucking hot... Maybe it's just the hair cut, but as I said before I noticed your loosing weight... Your face is getting thin, it worries me so... I know you weren't happy with your body and it makes me worry that maybe your becoming anorexic... I remember a while ago blowie said you were probably throwing up because you were sticking your fingers down your throat again... Please baby don't let me fears be true.

Can you tell those fucktard friends of yours to leave me alone? 

Can you please acknowledge me, just once before I leave? This is the one thing I want before I go... Will you do this one last thing for me please?

I went for a walk today after school I saw you with J.S... We were walking towards each other on the same side of the road... Y'all were talking about something and then you looked up and saw me, you went quiet and elbowed him... He just shrugged his shoulders... I could see neither of you were going to say anything, so I said the first thing that popped into my head... "Hey bitches"... To which you replied... "Sup bitch", whilst playing and fumbling with a cord in front of your face and doing some weird ass walk/steps... I must say you looked fucking adorable... I wanted to kiss you soooo bad.

I'm sorry I wasn't enough.

I guess it's true, I am a wise old bitch... Too old, maybe I should give up and say goodbye to everything... I'm getting tired of feeling the way I do... Maybe I should go visit my father and many siblings... Yeah that sounds good... I reckon I'll do just that.

I'll love you even after death.

                                                                           Goodbye Dory 💖💕💞