The next time I did it was two maybe....three I think weeks after. I cut again for no reason at all just to feel pain...to feel alive..to know I could feel I know this sounds emo and depressing but it's true. But I didn't stop and play it off this time I cut all the way to my elbow. There was so much blood this time I cried I felt ashamed. I hid my arms. I guess I let my guard down one day in school and a girl no a boy no s boy looking girl walked up to me, grabbed my arms and wisperd that one question I hated "why?" I thought "who does this wannabe think she is?" And then I looked at her face again... It was ...lets call this person j.a (you know who you are). J.a had been in my class for about 3 years at the time I never really paid any attention to her because there were so much rumors about her. Bad ones. Now looking at her I relished that she was actually quite good looking. Dense features the cutest little dimples EVER. And this smile that made my heart turn to puddles. I cried a little ja said I'd be okay I believed her we became best friends she explained that "he" was trans and even changed his name. He made me feel better about myself I stopped cutting for the longest time I could breath again I never wanted to part from ja....turns out he had depression of his own. He had anxiety attacks...and more. The more I was around for them the crappyer it made me feel. He started missing school. I didn't have any contact info so I couldn't tell you what happens and I dint ask when he came to school three weeks later. I missed him so much I started cutting again but the teachers found out and we had a conflict with my sad I got tricky and cut in other places mainly my shoulders. They are now permanent I cannot erase these they are a permanent reminder of my depression. And of course I developed anxiety as well as more depression I was unstable and got broken up with boys guy I really liked and then I went on a rampage. I started dating really nice guys and broke there hearts more than once I dressed in dark colors and cried daily whenever I was alone. Now does some of this stuff still happen to me? Yes I got through the same fucking thing every god damn fucking day of my life I'm depressed constantly all because I wanted to cut so all of you cutters out there I'm not telling you what to do but quit feeling sorry for yourselves hang out with people who make you smile and warm your heart not people who are only going to bring yourself down stop looking for people to rwesque you who aren't going to come all that shit about people seeing the sadness behind your eyes is bullshit okay??!! Wake up your not emo and your life is not complete shit you matter you and every pint or mm of blood you loose! Fucking wake up and smile sweetheart it will get better I promise you cry it out scream at the top of your lungs the clean up and smile and repeat this sentence "I will be okay" now you may say "hey why don't you do that?" Well it's because I surrounded my self no I drowned end myself in depression now I can't swim to the top there is too much people who make me sad I'm going to take my own advice and be happy. I hope you do the same...
