The Au-Pair

My arms rested on my windowsill as I stared at the sky, I tried to locate stars and planets but found none I recognized. The sight of the countless stars calmed and alarmed me, they made me realize that I would never know everything, that there would always be a part of live and the world around me I would never grow to understand. Did I want to know everything? I wondered.

 After two hours my mind couldn’t take it any longer and I knew I had to stop trying to draw my attention away from what was troubling me. I pushed myself away from the window, landing soundly on my bed on my mountain of pillows. I curled up into a ball as I picked up the magazine lying on my bedside table that had been resting on top of a stack of books for the past few months.

The pages of the magazine were crumbled and torn, I had read it too often, doubting. “Au-pair” I formed the title soundless with my pink lips as I looked at the cover, on it was a girl, a girl from Germany, I had already read her story many times so I knew who she and the boy resting on her arm, smiling brightly at her, were. She was the au-pair living in that little boys house. I opened the magazine and didn’t even have to read to know the words that awaited me on the first page.

I felt the cold air from the open window graze my cheeks and I slowly closed my eyes to inhale the fresh autumn air. After a few slow breaths my head was cool enough to think again. I reread the pages I already knew by heart and realized I had already made my decision, the only problem was that I would have to convince my parents. I cradled the magazine against my chest and curled up tighter trying to win confidence. I took one final breath of air before I stretched my screaming limbs, which had been fighting against the position I was lying in, and got up from my bed. I took a look in the mirror, the blue marking stretched out over my left cheek.

“Happy Birthday Myra…” I whispered with irony as I looked at the painful present I had received early in the morning. I had skipped school today and stayed up in my bedroom with the door locked, scared of the hands that would grab me if I came out again, but now was the moment it would all end, I would not crawl into a corner anymore and I was going to escape, with or without their permission. I quickly put on my sweatpants and an oversized red sweater before heading downstairs, avoiding the creaking steps I had imprinted in my mind. I could hear them laughing in the living room, I repulsed the sound of their laughter, why did they hate me so much when they could share such love and joy together? Maybe it was too much to love me as well… I couldn’t say for sure, even after eighteen years of living with them I didn’t know. On the tips of my toes I walked towards the living room door. I wanted to knock but when I thought about it, it seemed ridiculous to knock on a door in my house that wasn’t supposed to be private, like a bedroom or bathroom. I swung the door open en it banged into the wall and bounced back but I stopped it with my foot.

My parents had gone silent and snapped their heads towards me ready to hit me with all their might.

“I’m leaving.” I said.

“You don’t have to tell us that you ugly little bitch!” My father hissed at me and my mother nodded.

“For good this time.” I said with more determination in my voice than I thought I could have.

“Are you serious? You have nowhere to go what were you planning to do? Become a hooker?” My mother asked in a voice that sounded more curious than worried.

“I am going to look for a proper job and actually look after children!” I screamed at their faces, my voice was full of confidence, I wasn’t scared of them anymore, they weren’t my parents anymore. As I had expected my father jumped up from his chair and walked towards me in a fast pace. He grabbed my black waist length hair at the top of my head and pulled me out of the doorway just so he could push me against the wall only a feet away. He pulled my head back so I had to look at him, for the first time ever I stared him directly in the eyes before I spoke.