dreams, thoughts, wishes, feelings.

growing up without siblings and with a struggle

growing up without siblings and with a struggle

growing up as an only child. Let me tell you one thing, it is hard. Maybe even harder than growing up whit siblings. You don't have a person you can fight (well that sounded crazy, didn't it?) with or you can fall back on. Because I grew up alone you didn't have any one to talk to beside my parents, and because I was an extremely shy kid (I was literary born shy, and a dreamer). I didn't even dare to speak to people when I was younger. And now I'm like 17 and I'm a little less shy, people are asking why are you shy, haha, try to explain that one! But I didn't have any friends in my grade. I always was alone. I had literary just two friends I always played with but they bother where 2 grates below me. I made imaginary friends, from movies and TV series. Like Harry Potter and Aang from Avatar. I used to talk to them. But I aways wanted to have an older brother or younger sister. Well this got on till I was 7 because by then I had my real friends (by changing school) and had built some kind of a bother sister relation with one of my former best friend. One moment we could do everything for each other and the other moment we were crawling each other's eyes out. (But then I was in the 11th grate he came out as gay and wanted other friends they only liked then for being gay I think because I was just as much an misfit as I was). I started reading and made up a unreal world of my own. I was like Alice in wonderland. Not really here. i was in a class full of girls by that time. and I was the ugly duckling. They were picking on me and asking 'why don't you where make up?' and 'why do you where that? It's ugly!' okay I wasn't the most femine looking girl I was like fuck it I where whatever is clean. But I didn't have anyone to fall back on because my so called 'friend' laught just as hard on me. I fell in love and that made me question myself because the person I was crushing on was a girl. I didn't know if it was wrong or wright. (that was before the former friend came out BTW) I had never even heard the word lesbian of gay before in the 11th grate we got a little collage on the LGBTQ community. And I started thinking I started resurging the LGBTQ community I wrote it down and then started thinking. ( me right now is like. I like girls, there I no denying that but I'm not putting a label on myself because then I can't go back anymore. I am just Esther, not a Lesbian or a bisexual or anything ells. No labels, just me) and at that point I wanted to talk with someone about it. But since I was too shy and had just one friend that I talked to often. But I didn't know if she would put labels on me. so I kept it my myself. I never wished fore and older brother that hard. I didn't talk to anyone. So again I made this unreal world in my mind to hide in. I was most of the time in my imaginations and losing myself in my own thoughts. After 2 years after that, finally talked to someone. My best friend (who is still my best friend till this day). she said she is okay with it but I needed to think about it. She said she has an uncle who was gay and an aunt who was lesbian. I was still wishing for and older brother. And little by little I was exepting myself. but io felt alone. I needed to do this on my own, no back up at home. Now my situation at home isn't the best. Since I don't have any other siblings my dad always lashes out on my because I am the daughter, wright? parents use to make children the guilty, wright? So everything I do wrong is gonna be said. To me. because I did everything, wright? And especially when he has a bad day, I can't do anything. And then I wanted to have and older brother because he can also be the one who is 'guilty', then we would be in this together. I'm not, I'm all alone. I don't have anyone. My mom, she is my saving angel at these times. But still she doesn't understand most of this. But now I'm in high school and I made well one of my best friends. When I told him I like girls, he first looked at me in disbelieve, but then he said those that made me feel right. 'it going to be okay.' I was still shaking because that would be my first official coming out. That night I cried, of happiness (finally someone gave me those words I needed) , of saddens (because I was still terrified of the labels), of acceptance (there I could be who I really was) of being scared (of what other people would think). I needed those words more than anything at that moment. And after that he said 'now I get why you want

a brother' and I laughed at that. Because after all I'm just Esther, just one of the million person who has a struggle and a missing peace in life.

Well that is the story of my siblingless life.

My message to all of the people who read this. If you have siblings. Don't let them down. Because one day you will be there for each other. You will need each other. Even though you fight like every day. be glad because if you don't you'll have to fight your parents and you never win from them. I know how that is. You be glad you have siblings even though you won't realise that now. But one day you will. Being and only child isn't as nice as you think it is.