anthology

eighth note(s)

update:  i haven't added anything on here in a while. i still continue to write, but this winter i haven't written much because i can't seem to finish anything. or when i do finish something, i don't like it. it seems unfinished to me still. but here are some i did before this writers block period took over. they're kinda a lot about drugs/heartbreak.
•••••

the breakup stories
"she's here without him, and can't stop faking the smiles even though tears fill her eyes when she passes him on the streets.
he's here without her, and everything reminds him of her as he goes on living the life he thought would be with her. he wishes he told her before it was too late.
he's here without her, and he dreams about her all the time. ever since she left the only time he's seen her is when they're together in his dreams.
she's here without him, and she won't stop kissing bottles of alcohol. they taste nothing like him did but she doesn't think she can go on living without them now. i guess she thought that about him too and she's still living, however awfully, she's alive.
she's here without her, and she can't help but imagine what it'd be like if they were together still. she can't help but think, she just wants her to know she didn't mean it.
he's here without her, and he doesn't know what he did wrong, what he did to make her choose someone else instead. maybe if she told him he could finally let go.
maybe they could let go."

•••••
smoke
"i smoked today. the smoke curled through the air and the fire reminded me of us; it all made me wonder why the most beautiful things are the most destructive.
i smoked today. i've been doing it a lot lately and i know it's harmful but i don't care, i don't care. why are the most beautiful moments the ones that tear us apart late at night? i smoked today. it's been a while because it's all been good, but it really hasn't and i don't know why i'm lying to myself. i don't know why it's the best things that leave the most scars. i smoked today. my lungs are probably charcoal but i don't care, i don't care. i smoked today. i wish i could make these words as beautiful as the sight of fire and smoke early in the morning.
i smoked today. i can't remember why i started smoking. i guess it's because you used to but i'm not sure anymore.
i smoked today. the man at the gas station told me he thought i needed to slow down because this is my third pack in two days and i'm only sixteen. i guess i need to stop buying at the same place.
when i smoked yesterday, i didn't know it'd be my last. i didn't know it was the last time i'd see the fire and smoke together in the five a.m. sun, i didn't know it'd be the last time i'd ruin my lungs. i didn't know it'd be the last time i even took a breath.
i didn't know i'd die so young.
and i still don't know why the most beautiful things are the most destructive."

•••••

not that i do not love you
(inspired by a similar piece)

"it's not that i don't love you. it's the time i saw how many cigarettes the neighbor smoked the months after his wife left him.

it's not that i don't love you. it's the number of bottles i've seen hidden in the woods where my sister goes to drink with her friend to forget about the guys who've fucked her over.

it's not that i don't love you. it's the shaking hands and anxiety i saw my friend have for months after her boyfriend told her he didn't love her anymore. it's the bottles of prozac she tried to hide whenever i came over after that.

it's not that i don't love you. it's the pain i've seen all my life. it's the fact that i can't look at myself the same way anymore, and it's not that i don't love you, it's that i do."

•••••
dru(i)nk again

"i don't know where it's gonna end.
i've been hurt, and not just physically but the mental stuff too. the stuff that really sticks in your head and makes you wonder if life is worth living anymore. 
so i drank it away.

i drank today. i've never done anything like that, but it's getting harder and i don't know how to fix it. why does this stuff hurt so damn much?
i drank today. i've been drinking for a while now and i think i want to start something else. i wonder if cigarettes make you buzz like the alcohol does. and i wonder why it all hurts so bad.
i smoked today. it was my first time but when i breathed it in it felt like i'd done it a hundred times. i guess that's what happens when you've been destroying yourself for a while.
but i didn't start the destruction. my thoughts did.
i drank today, and after that i smoked. i've been doing all that a lot lately. i don't see a problem with it. i do see a problem with all the hurt though.
today i got high. it felt familiar, not different like they said it would. i guess that's what happens when you're already used to destroying yourself.
i drank today. that's all i did because as soon as i did i puked, i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't know what's been wrong with me.
i smoked today. not the regular cigarettes, but marijuana. it was nice because i got to smoke and get high at the same time. it's all been hurting a lot lately so i thought i'd try something new.
i drank till i passed out last night. i'm getting more reckless with the drinking ever since i moved out.
i guess recklessness kills. i got high again, but this time on cocaine. and then i drank. i passed out and this time i didn't wake up. it all hurt a little too much anyway though."

•••••
that's it for now. idk when i'll update next or even if anyone will read this. but i hope everything's good for anyone reading this.