The Cowgirl Rides Away (Bluebonnet, TX Book 1)

CHAPTER NINE: Jessa

"No. No, it's not all right." I stared into the kindest, prettiest green eyes I'd ever seen, a ball of dread making it impossible for me to even think about eating.

"Everyone's allowed to blow off steam."

If anything, his kindnesses compounded my sins. I was a liar. I'd been a liar for months. Yes, the only things I'd lied about were my name and my job, but the simple fact remained that I was a liar. There were no two ways around it.

There was only going through it and that meant coming clean.

Finally, I just blurted it out, "I lied."

Zack's brows puckered in obvious confusion as he leaned back in his chair and softly said, "About?"

"It wasn't a skiing accident." At his silence, I nervously continued, my entire body tense with dread, "And my name isn't Hope. It is, but it isn't...my...my middle name is Hope. My first name is Jessalyn. I'm...I used to ride roughstock. In the rodeo. A lot." I could literally feel myself sputtering out and dying right there and poor Zack just looked so confused, and yeah, a little angry while all these crazy half-sentences kept falling out of my mouth. "I competed professionally."

"And your injuries?" he muttered. The arm that had earlier rested on my shoulders was gone. His hands were in his lap and he'd turned to face me.

"Real. I wiped out. Back in December." Tears burned for release but I sucked in a deep breath and pushed on, "I was unconscious and when I woke up, my family really was gone. Except for my brother and Kane. The getting fired thing was really about my last sponsor officially cutting ties. I've spent the last four months rehabbing my leg so I could walk...I'm sorry," I finally sputtered out. "I really like you."

"I don't even know what to say right now." Zack slowly stood and reclaimed the seat across from me as the waitress delivered our food. We both picked at our plates for a few minutes. "I don't even know what to say."

"I didn't lie about how I felt."

His head snapped up and his eyes narrowed slightly. "How am I supposed to know that?"

Touche! I decided to go for complete and brutal honesty because I had nothing to lose at this point, except maybe the cost of a wasted trip. "Saddle Bronc riding is normally a man's sport. So when my dad told me to keep my legs closed if I was going to compete, I did. That's why I'm a virgin. At first, I worried about my dad finding out, you know, that I was messing around. I was young," I ended with a shrug. "Then, later on, after I'd made a good name for myself, it was hard. I mean, I dated. Men. But I've never even had a boyfriend. 'Cause my dad was right." As badly as it seemed I was flubbing this, I kept talking. It was all I could do, keep talking till he walked away and left me sitting there. "Sometimes I could just tell—"

"Tell what?" he finally asked.

"That they weren't really interested in me. They were only interested in being seen with the only female saddle bronc champion in the history of the PRA. Or interested in notching their belt with me. Guess I took Daddy's lessons to heart because I never..." Grimacing slightly, I focused on my plate and my breathing. With my appetite gone, the food I'd once been so hungry for was now just something to push and stir around. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I'm so sorry—" I shook my head. "I shouldn't have lied. You're so kind, and handsome and—" I stopped speaking at his arched eyebrow. "I wouldn't blame you if you just left me here." His almost eerie calm was hard to figure out. Why wasn't he yelling or something? Anything? Why was he just sitting there scowling at me?

"Momma raised me better. Is there anything else? Anything at all?"

"No. I realize you asked for a virgin because you wanted woman who has integrity...and self-respect. I have both of those. And I know it might not seem like it right now but I'm everything I said I was."

"Just not an accountant," he said, then forked up a bite of his lunch and chewed thoughtfully.

"No," I said with a depreciating smile, "not an accountant, but I do have an associate's degree."

He smiled and a part of me relaxed. "Okay."

"Okay?" I sipped my tea and waited to see what was next.

"Everybody lies. Everybody," he added, forking up another bite.

"Even you?"

He stared across the table at me, his demeanor solemn. "Even me."

"What did you lie about?" I asked, curious.

"I didn't lie to you. I lied to my family, but you have to earn the right to hear about it, and your lunch is getting cold."

***

Afterward we made a slow circle around Gruene, taking in more of the sights, our pre-lunch camaraderie not quite restored. Despite my confusion over his reaction, at his simple acceptance of my lie, my mood improved considerably.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked as we exited a dry goods store.

"Anything."

"Are you sure you're okay with what happened earlier?'

"I get why you did it, but honestly, no. You lied about your name, you lied about your profession, you didn't lie about being married."

I shook my head.

"Sounds like you...had a real rough time. And like I said, everyone lies. To each other, even to ourselves."

"You mean the lie you told your family?" I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me. Maybe I didn't deserve to know but...

"I'm not ready to share that."

"I know." I suppose waiting was my punishment. This wasn't anything like our emails. I couldn't read him, couldn't tell what he was thinking. "Fair enough. Then tell me something else."

"Like what?"

"Anything."

"If I tell you something, you have to tell me something. Deal?"

"Deal."

"My brother, Ty, asked how I knew you weren't married and ditching a family. I told him you weren't a liar."

Ouch.

"Tim said maybe you needed money."

"I don't."

"For a second, when you were talking about being in the hospital and losing your job, I thought he was right."

I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say, other than, I didn't really blame him. "I guess that's understandable."

"Don't ever lie to me again...Jessa."

My cheeks burned at the sound of my real name on his lips. "I won't."

"Now it's your turn."

We walked quietly for about half a block while I considered what to say. "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

Now came the hard part, the thing I hadn't even told Jace or Kane. The thing I didn't like thinking about, but after my lies, I figured I owed Zack one. "The rest of my life. I don't know how to be anything other than a cowgirl and I'm not good at this..." I waved a hand between us, "...man/woman relationship stuff." Despite my burning cheeks, I laughed, my eyes on the ground. "I had to go buy girly clothes. Like, real girly, non-western, girl clothes because that's pretty much all I own. And I kicked my brother out. After he took care of me for four months. What kind of person does that? I guess I'm just not good with people."

"Why did you kick him out?"

I quickly explained then added, "This is a lot harder than email," and then we both laughed.