Imagine

Imagine becoming disconnected from the world everybody else is supposedly living in.

Imagine living in a world that exists entirely within your mind. Nobody to reach out to, nobody to relate to; just you, all by yourself, in an endless void of pain, suffering and sadness.

Imagine having problem after problem pile up to the point where you need to cry, but you can't bring yourself to it. Tears rise below your eyes, but they don't come out. They are trapped in the eternal nightmare that is your head. You try to sob, but nothing happens.

Imagine your emotions are dead.

Imagine living every day of your life knowing that you're just a hollow shell of what used to be a human. You try to break out, but you're trapped. Trapped within the body of a human on a planet that you don't belong to, yet every other human does. You live in a world of sorrows and internal pain. It's cold. It's lonely. But try as hard as you may; you are stuck there indefinitely. Stuck in an empty world shared by nobody other than yourself.

Imagine you start talking to someone. Someone that you wouldn't have expected to be different. But they are. You don't understand how, but when you're around them you can see a slight glow over the horizon of your cold, dark, empty world. You feel a presence, as if that you have some sort of connection with that person.

Imagine you get to know that person. You spend hours talking, but when you talk to them - it's different. Every word exchanged is meaningful to you. And then, you see it.

You see a person. A person that is going through everything you're going through, stood there in your world of what used to be an empty void of darkness and sorrows.

Imagine that person is everything you needed, but you didn't know it until they stood there before you. The light to your darkness has arrived; so humble yet self-diminishing. They are so perfect in every way, yet they think the world would be better off without them.

Imagine that person taught you how to love again. Your emotions all revived from the dead, you realise that this world of darkness within your mind isn't inhabitable. The two of you are free to mould this world into your own kingdom; your very own world that belongs to just the two of you, free to do anything you please within it.

Imagine you start a relationship with this person. You shared a bond so tight that it was only right to seal it, and you've never been happier. You do everything you can to make this person as happy as they make you. The more time you spend around this person, the more you are healed.

Imagine you love this person, more than words can convey.

Imagine they say the same.

Imagine being so naive as to think that things would stay like this forever.

Pitiful. No blessing is supposed to last forever. You know you should've been expecting things to get bad for you again. But being caught up in all your love, you completely forgot to make use of the knowledge and wisdom you had worked so hard to acquire, and that's what left you vulnerable to your own emotions.

Imagine constantly trying to make plans with this light in your darkness, but they were always busy, yet somehow free to go out with their friends that they never even spoke word of until you were in a relationship. Where were they when your light was weak and lonely? Where were they when the only thing maintaining your light's will to live was you?

Imagine you meet up with your light. You meet up to make sure they are okay and that you're not doing anything wrong or making them unhappy. Imagine they tell you that everything is fine and that you don't have anything to worry about, then hug you and set you on your way home.

Imagine getting home with a smile on your face thinking "Everything will turn out just fine." And then five minutes after your arrival home you get a text from your light. It says to meet them in the park. You immediately know what's about to happen, despite the fact they just told you that everything is okay and that there's nothing to worry about. There's no affection shown in the text, and asking to meet at a place that isn't at their house despite you just being at their house fifteen minutes ago. You know exactly what's about to happen, but you don't want to admit it.

Imagine you head down to the park. The walk that is usually so quick feels hours long. You feel a sickness in your stomach; your body isn't ready for what you know is coming.

Imagine you get to the park, but they're not there. Time passes. Five minutes, ten minutes - the park is less than a two minute walk away from their house - finally, approaching the fifteen minute mark, they arrive.

They're with one of their "friends". In particular, the one that is always there when something bad involving your light happens. The very one that everybody thinks you have a problem with. They're stood near the bushes with their backs turned to you, looking at the path that leads from your house to the park, trying to spot you coming.
You walk towards them, the feeling of sickness in your stomach stronger than ever. You're stood directly behind your light, they still have no clue you're there. You hear the friend say "I wanna see this!" before climbing into the bushes. Your light turns round to see you stood there.

You feel the light and presence that was in your world start to fade. You're losing them. You feel your world crumbling. You see them speaking, but you hear no words. Through all the chaos going on in your mind, you manage to pick up the words "I'd like to handle this situation by myself, and not have a partner." Before you can comprehend what happened, they apologise, hug you and set you on your way.

It happened.

Imagine walking home with this agonising pain inside you. Tears rise to your eyes, try as you might; nothing comes out.

Imagine you feel it happening again. You feel your emotions dying; you feel the fire that your light sparked die down into nothing but a burning ember, slowly fading away, slowly casting your mind into a world of emptiness and darkness. You desperately try to hold onto your emotions, but your efforts are useless.

You need pain. It's the only thing that can drown out what you're feeling inside. Imagine you arrive home. You take a knife, you put it to your skin, you apply pressure, then you pull. Your skin separates. Blood oozes out. So metallic, it's a pleasant sight. But it isn't enough pain. The feeling of that knife slicing your skin was so underwhelming - you want something more painful, yet there isn't anything more painful than what you feel inside.

You haven't eaten since yesterday; you try to eat, but you can't. Your body doesn't want it - you try to force it down, but it just won't happen.

You lay on your bed, slowly falling apart, left to rot in the aftermath of your darkness' fallen kingdom. Once again, there is nobody there with you, no light, no happiness, just you alone once again in the hellhole that is your mind.