Silver Linings

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REGAINING feeling was odd. It started in my slim fingertips and toes to the slope of my nose and the flutter of my eyelashes. The first thing I could consciously do was let the dim lighting of a unknown room hit my fragile eyes. What I opened my eyes to was not my warm and cozy room. I woke up to the hum of a light that was working too hard and the quiet drops of rain that left patterns on the window. To add to the calmness of the sounds, a monitor next to me beeped at a steady rhythm. A petite girl lied in a ball on the small couch next to me, blanket thrown to the side forgotten in the dishevel of her own dreams.

The worst thing is this was my normal. Waking up thinking "Where am I this time?". Every step I took felt like a bomb could go off any second. At any moment, I could faint letting my fragile body hit the floor or I could take another step. It wasn't easy but I did it.

Not one person on this earth would like to hear a 17 year old say this was her normal. Hell, I even hate hearing it come from my mouth. Weekly visits to the hospital. Hating the sadness of my mom when her daughter can't live a normal life instead of making mistakes like running off with her best friend. Instead her daughter has to grow up too quickly, stuck in the reality, not be young for once.

Sometimes I dream of myself being like all of the kids at my high school. Being risky or going on trips randomly and spontaneously just to go cliff dive. In my dreams I'm no longer pale and sad. I no longer have the dull look to my eyes. I seem happy. If only I didn't wake up.

I guess I was once like that. But I was far too young to remember. This all began when I was 6.

I was diagnosed with acute leukemia. Acute leukemia is a type of cancer of the blood and bone marrow with excess immature white blood cells. Don't ask how many times I've recited that line. I had started to bruise extremely easy in areas which we never paid much mind to , since I was such an active kid, or that's what my mom told me. But then I wasn't so active anymore. I became fatigued and lost weight that I hardly did anything to lose. I would cry at night complaining that my chest would hurt, that's when my mom drew the line and brought me to the hospital where I was diagnosed.

Chemotherapy wasn't an option for me and my single mom. My dad had left a long time ago and though we had money, it was only enough to get by. So we took a turn to drug treatments to help. Still fighting you could say.

Okay, you know how I was complaining about "not having any friends"? Well I have one friend, but she's my sister. The one who's sleeping next to me, she's the one. She was always a light in mine and my moms world. She knew how much struggle we were going through and she decided that she would be the one to put smiles on our faces. I can't thank her enough for that...

"Hey Hayley." Rylie spoke softly beside me, and I gave a small smile turning my head back to the ceiling. "Why'd you do it again."

Why'd I do it again. You see fainting is not a very big side effect of leukemia, but not eating is.

"I wasn't hungry, okay?" I sighed closing my eyes.

"I call bullshit." Rylie grumbled sitting up.

"Rylie." I scolded. She cut her eyes at me then rolled them away.

"I'm sorry if I'm not the most happy go lucky person right now Hayley." She said folding the blanket she had thrown to the side. "I'm not always going to crack jokes and act like everything's fine when it's not. Actually I don't think it ever has been. You're older than me, H. You should know that this stuff will only make it worse. Not eating is only making life harder and we both know you understand that. Now excuse me, I'm going to find water."

I sighed as the door shut firmly behind her, a final statement to her outburst. With that, I set my head back against the cold sheets of my pillow once again. I closed my eyes, trying to swim away from the swirling thoughts in my head until I could fall into any kind of relaxation. It only took a matter of minutes as my body sank into the deep rest, an ache surely to appear in my back after my nap.

Either way, I'd rather be asleep because everything is better in my dreams.