Part Five - Lunches

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It’s raining. Hard. I wouldn’t normally leave the house in this weather but I know I can’t put it off. It would be a lot nicer if I had an umbrella. Thankfully the bus is on time and I’m left to think where it’s dry. I listen to another artist she recommended in her song of the days – with a pang, I remember when she texted me to tell me to listen to them. She was right, I do like them. When the bus pulls up I see my friend shivering by the stop. Her bus must’ve gotten in earlier.

“Burger King?” she suggests brightly. I nod. We cross the road, enter the store, and order. Once we sit down she’s more hesitant. There’s distance between us. It’s been months since we talked and the words don’t come easy. I squeeze a chip between my fingers. “How’ve you been?” Stepping carefully now. I’m just as guarded.

“Keeping busy.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” More silence. This was a bad idea. A very bad idea. “What about you?”

“I miss her,” she says suddenly. Her hair frames her face when she lowers her head. “It’s not the same since she died.”

I sit up straighter as she slumps. “Me too.”

“Why did you leave us? We’re all in this together, right?”

“I just…” I trail off. I grab a handful of chips and shove them into my mouth to avoid talking. She’s still waiting when I finish chewing. I’m reluctant to say it.

“I loved her.”

“So did I.”

“No, I mean I really loved her. I wanted to be with her.”

She raises her head now. Surprise flickers across her face. “She loved you,” she blurts out. “We could all see it. We were just waiting for her to tell us. I had no idea…” Now it’s my turn to be surprised. Was it that obvious? How come I didn’t see? I did. I just dismissed it as me wishing. What could have happened?

“Will you start sitting with us again?” she asks. I’m still trying to absorb all this information. She felt the fire too. “Charlie?”

“On Monday,” I promise. It doesn’t feel like I’m saying the words.

We talk about it over lunch on Monday. We laugh. We cry. Months of silence is released. All of us together once more. The hole where she was, used to be beside me, pressing against my leg, it slowly closes up. I seal the piggy bank and leave it in the corner of my desk, letting it collect dust. I keep the Euro in my wallet. Things don’t go back to how they used to though. They never will. Especially not now she’s gone. But it does get pretty close. Exams come and go, the year ends, we celebrate. The tension fades until it’s just a thin string. The new year starts. I don’t want to forget her, but it feels like that might be the only way of moving on. I still love her. She’s dead, and completely closed off to me. Eventually I stop thinking about “what if.” I vow not to stay silent about my feelings again.

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