For my dear Grandpa

A letter to my dear Grandpa

The time is awfully drifting so fast. Too many distractions, too many heavy bargains and too many things too think about. I sure have wasted a lot of time when i should have spent it with you. 

I cannot imagine myself inside a home without you in your room in the third floor. I have a forgetful memory as yours and i  always walked into your room when i when i needed some money or when i needed someone to help me iron my uniforms. That's just the time i get to spend my time with you and i admit i am such a bad kid thinking only to myself.. nope, not a bad kid anymore.. a bad young adult. 

Ya know my aunts is mad at you or irritated about something because you didn't want someone to dictate about what to do and not what to do. You don't accept rules because you have your own rules. You get mad but the truth is you are sad thinking you have no power in voice anymore. Your rules just doesn't exist anymore as it is before. And my aunt is so irritated you don't help them in the chores but they always order you around doing the heavy stuff but they did not know that you back is aching from the accident last time when you were young and your muscles are just so tired from the hard work you did before to provide their needs. To provide our needs.

I remember when i was a child, you go to church weekly and i wonder why. My grandpa is raising his hands in the air and close to crying. I did not know  that time that it's called 'praise and worship' and i tell you the truth that i missed everything when you're doing that praise and worship thing. i feel so light, and uplifted and i admit i want to ask why you always cry on sundays every after church.

you know you are my favorite person in the world and i am your favorite person too but in my teenage years, I became such a bad brat. I did a whole lot of selfish things and i started to answer back to you. I know that time you felt betrayed by me. Until now, you felt you are useless anymore. but to me, even though i did not say it your existence is my energy. i always wonder when that time comes, when you are no longer in the same world as me...I will not know what to do when that time comes. And i just wished i wish i will be the first to vanish in this world cause i don't want to see you die. 

if i can go back to the time when you were strong and you were carrying me when i was child. i hold such no power that time and my knowledge is limited about everything. i want to go back when my aunts are still scared of you and that they listen and obey your words. i wanted to go back to that time when you leave me to my parents and i cried  over my pillow because i missed you. 

i wanted to go back to that time when you play mahjong with your neighbors and i tell you i wanna go home cause the game you play is boring and i wonder why there is such people having fun playing it.

i wanted to go back to that time when there is someone hurting me, i would tell them to you when you get home from work and they will say sorry to me and never do that again. You always keep my enemies away.

i wanted to go back to that afternoon time when you were napping and i sneak out of the house just to play outside. i felt afraid that time when i saw holding your belt, ready to punished me.

i want to go back to that time when i'm always with you, when i did not know about the world and i just know you, the school, my aunts, my  parents the teachers and the bullies.

and i just wanted to tell you i missed everything. 

i hold so much regret now even though you are still here. 

just thinking about it, i already regret everything for not having the time now with you..

you dont hear me anymore clearly..

you act like a kid now, and you always forget to shut off the lights, to lock the door, to keep your room odorless. 

you forgot how to get to the places you were before. 

you're quickly saddened by small things anymore.

  The time is awfully drifting so fast. Too many distractions, too many heavy bargains and too many things too think about. I sure have wasted a lot of time when i should have spent it with you.   

and now i am thinking what best i can do for you besides to control my temper around you, to be nicer with you, to understand and love you.

Grandpa, you are my favorite person in the world and i thanked God for letting me loved by the most amazing person in the world...

 I love you grandpa, always and forever.