Chapter Two
"Dean, talk to me." Charlie orders, snapping her fingers in front of the brown eyes that had traveled out far beyond the Kepler belt, lost somewhere in some world not of our own. She couldn't recognize the look he had. To a passer-by he may give the impression of someone who had survived war, ironically enough, because whoevers name came with the ceremonial flag in his hands had not. "Dean!" It was the smack of a hand against his cheek that pulled him back to blue-green reality.
"S-sorry Charlie. It...It's nothing. Don't worry about it." He tried to reassure the worried red head by tossing the flag onto the couch, as if it was nothing more than dirty laundry. "Just shocked me. Didn't expect to hear that name again."
"Who does that name belong to, Winchester? Clearly it was someone important." She had never seen Dean go off like that. He had proven to be a very thoughtful guy, after years of getting to know her and become comfortable around her, she had witnessed him stair off into space for hours without pause. But this loo0k had no thoughts attached. It had been full of pain, agony even, as if his green eyes had watched his family's death.
"No one. An old friend. Come on, lunch. I'm starving." There was no space for Charlie to argue as Dean all but pushed her out the door. Her questioning would have to wait until a later date.
Lunch was awkward at best. Dean was quiet and his brother knew something was up. It was only when Charlie quietly explained the morning's confusing events, after Dean stepped away to the bathroom, that Sam understood. The name Novak seemed to spark a fimular look in the Winchesters eyes, almost the same look Dean had gotten, in less intensity. The name that had upset now two of her friends played in her head like a song on repeat, taking a form of a parent and nagging her to look it up later, see what her advance snooping skills could bring up.
Dean was so pulled into himself, everyone at the table was concerned he was going to cave in and become the next grand canyon. Attract people from all over the world to witness the broken wonder of Dean Winchesters soul. Dean did not want to believe he was anything but whole, though, trying to smile his way through lunch and act as though he wasn't being torn apart at the seams. He could feel the pain and anxiety knotted in his gut, but he was using everything he had not to show it. He hated the way Sam was looking at him, with such sympathy that only reminded him of the news as soon as he was about to forget it. He wished he could just forget it all. Go to sleep and wake up years ago, curled against Castiel, knowing better than to leave that spot. He wanted to feel Castiels lips against his again, curling up into the smile and bursting into grins and giggles if Dean kissed him in quick succession too many times. He ached for the minty smell of Castiels gum, or the watermelon aroma that followed him around, hours after he had washed his hair. These scents meant nothing but safety to Dean, safety and home. Even though it had been years since he had smelt such things in the context of love and warmth and closeness that Castiel held for him, when Sam chewed gum, Dean struggled not to lean in before walking away, out of nothing more than habit and the need to fill the ache in Dean that he had stupidly caused himself.
Dean wanted nothing more than to pass the blame off of leaving Castiel behind to someone else, as if that would make the weight easier to carry. Note or not, getting up and leaving a relationship as trusting as theirs as if it was nothing more than a one night fuck between strangers was the cruelest thing he had ever done. It was a decision which left a stain on his conscious that no baking soda, nor chemical, nor cold water soak could loosen. What worsens it is the knowledge that it was all avoidable. He could have fought his father. He had everything he needed, but he chose not to. And why? Because this was easier? Hunting for a few months, being abused bad enough to leave scars, only to have the person he had uprooted his entire life for, pick up and leave Sam and him in the dust. It hadn't even been a surprise to either of the brothers as they watched the car speed off, leaving a faint glowing red light, a good representation of the anger of their father.
