Together, by Cassandra Brubaker.

Part Four.

 This morning I told my mom my plans, all has been well.

Well enough I suppose. When things have been a certain way for so long, how can you actually tell the difference after a while?  

  I take a seat on the bus, closer to the front, and crank music. A typical daily ritual of sorts. It's actually almost soothing. Until specific songs present memories into my mind without warning.

  I've done stupid things, plenty, almost too many to count on my fingers alone. If you tried to end everything, more than once, you’re either not meant to die, either unlucky or lucky sun of-a-gun (whichever way you choose to view it)... Or maybe just incompetent.

  Just breathe, don’t focus on anything but breathing.

 When the bus is close to the school my heart is calmed down, but my good mood has vanished. Why does this always happen on good days? Am I just not allowed to be happy?

  While at my locker, girls chatter about parties and drinking, and I cringe, wondering about their parents and their lives. I try to grab my things as quickly as possible to get to class without being super late. It's New years. I guess it's a time of celebration, more time to be a grown-up... I don't plan on staying home, I was invited to this girls house, Cait. She said I'm allowed to stay the night, and invite anyone I wanted. I nod, I think I said something like sure thing... 

  When I get to class, He's here before I am. and that helped my mood a little, but when I sat down, I asked him what he was doing tonight. Without even thinking that he's probably already got plans with his friends and that it's really pointless to ask this late minute, and how stupid of me to even bother, and wow there goes my mood... again.

  There's this little gray doll, he gave it to me for christmas. Kind of. I keep it in my purse, hold it when I feel the way I do right now... he looks up from hisdoodle, and I try to smile at him. I tell him what I'm doing, inviting him along if he wants to...

  Wait, did he just say, “I’d love too.” He smiles that sheepish grin at me, and gooseflesh creeps up along my arms. I turn back around to the board, just to hide the heinous blush flushing across my face. 

Oh... okay. 

  It’s been nearly five months of the cautious flirting back and forth, his protectiveness, it’s like we’re already in a relationship. I really love him. But can I make a commitment? Can I open up without running away? I have so many issues… I’ll just drag him down…  I destroy all that I touch.

  I cannot believe it. He’s drunk. I mean I should believe it shouldn’t I? New Year’s plans, whatever… not like I didn’t ask him last minute or anything. I sit across from him in the corner store, tapping my foot with my anxious impatience as the sky begins to darken rapidly outside. Absolutely wonderful.  My mind tries to register that I’m being completely moronic. Sitting here with two funny drunk dweebs it’s not like it’s horrible. It’s watching her and her current boyfriend. It’s noticing how every so often she glances at us. I can feel my anger simmering through my veins. His ex is staring...

   I look up, Zach said my name, he reaches for my crossed arms.

  “What?” I snap, feeling the grimace rise on my lips. I roll my eyes. Breathe.

  I get up and leave, I need to breathe. We all go back to Cait's house now, I suppose.

  As were walking, it would be no surprise Jeremy would join us, along with Chris. So much for a good night. I pick up my pace, My nails digging into my hands.

  “It’s no surprise you sober me up.” Zach’s voice makes my stinging cheeks flush. “What? Not going to talk to me?” His voice completely stable, and completely melting my insides. Dear God, if he hugs me or reaches for my hand I will literally drip into a puddle of mush. 

  Right when we reach her house Andy yells,  “McDonalds anyone?”  everyone choruses their agreement giving out their pocket change. Zach and I continue to walk with him, my anger dissipating the farther I get from Char. I don’t really know why, but intuition’s screaming at me. I just know something won’t go over well.

  “Are you mad at me?” Zach’s hand grabs mine, as we follow in suit behind Andy.

  “No necessarily you.” I look up into his blue eyes, his cheeks reddened by the onslaught of the cold.

  He takes a wild guess at what's bugging me, and bang on, I look back down at my feet. He doesn’t continue until stopping outside of Cait’s house.  He mumbles my name..

  I can’t look at him, If I do look at him… I’ll just fall into his open arms, believe everything he says, trust every action, I’ll just fall even farther. But I do, I can’t help it. I want that gaze on me; I want those artistic hands to reach out to hold me.

  “We don’t have to try for a relationship… we can,” He falters as he swallows passed the lump in his throat “We can be friends.” 

My eyes swim. Dear God, is that what he’s thinking? That I’m stalling to put him down easy.  I reach out, pulling him to me, wrapping my arms around his waist.

  “I don’t want to be just friends…”

» N O T E, Maybe a little crammed, but I didn't want to end it halfway through the night. Then again, I knew if I ended it before going to the house, it'd be kind've boring. Oh well. Crammed with brief info, is better than a nasty drop off ending to me.