Jealousy (a Mathew Espinosa fanfic)

chapter 6;

Kass's pov~
it's funny how your brain doesn't actually process something until your alone...
then it hits like a brick wall
as I'm sitting in my bed I start to process the things Matt told me only two hours ago
"what happened to her?"
Matt starts crying and I'm holding his hand but I can tell I can't do anything.
"Lizzie was pregnant and we didn't know what to do, she wanted to get rid of it. she knew she couldn't do it, neither could I.. but I couldn't kill it. so she said she would carry it to term. she would have it and put it up for adoption.
we had no idea it would be so hard," he says starting to get some more control "we told our parents. my mom took it as well as to be expected. Lizzie's parents didn't. they couldn't even look at her. the first two or so months were okay. we made it through. she was strong and she tried so hard not to show any weakness. but around month three she started showing, and people started connecting the dots. she took a lot of mean words and actions for that baby. she suffered through six months of absolute hell from every student in that school, some teachers too. something in those six months changed her. she wasn't the girl I had known. she was mean and bitter, she blamed the child for her problems even though she knew she could never lose it. that baby and I were the things that had torn her life apart. but we were also the ones keeping her together. I knew she would never forgive me. I mean it isn't like we weren't careful but things don't always go as planned. I knew that even though I didn't make any detrimental mistakes, I was still the reason this was happening to her. she became less and less positive and loving. the baby toughened her skin. she wasn't the sweet caring girl I fell in love with. she started focusing on what everyone thought of her and she stopped talking to her friends. and me. when month nine came she was ready to get rid of the baby and put her up for adoption. she didn't even ask me, not that I could have cared for the baby. when the time came and she went into labor, I was at the hospital. when she had the baby she immediately shut everyone out, she even told the doctor to take our little baby girl out of  the room. she wouldn't even hold her. but I did, and when I saw my baby I knew I wanted nothing but the best for her. I wanted her to have a happy long wonderful life. I decided adoption was the best option. they wanted a name for her. Lizzie refused so I named her Amanda. after Lizzie's grandma. I thought maybe someday she would appreciate that. I got to hold her for about five minutes before they took her. I checked on the adoption every step of the way. I made sure the people were people I could trust. Lizzie wasn't ever the same afterward. I tried to get in contact with her as much as I could throughout the adoption process but she would never talk to me. sophomore year had ended just before she had the baby. I hadn't seen Lizzie in months. when the time came to give the baby up to her new family, I was the one to take her. the couple was great. they were in their thirties and they really knew what they were doing. the already loved her. they promised to keep me involved no matter what. leaving that baby girl is the hardest..." he trails off choking up a bit "I spent the rest of that summer getting myself in order. I did online classes. I got my grades up. I knew if I could love that little girl as much as I did that I needed to clean my act up. I had stopped trying to communicate with Lizzie. the baby had changed us both. but in dramatically different ways. when junior year came around I was ready to work. to be the father I wish I could have been for Amanda. when I got to school I saw Lizzie. she was different. she had bleached her brown hair and she wore short skirts and hung out with all the party crowd. she was rude to everyone and she acted like she didn't care. I knew I could never love her again. so I sopped trying. everything was normal. as normal as it could be. until that January. Amanda was six months old. a tiny baby.." he pauses trying to breath "I got a call, there had been an accident. her and her new family had been hit by a car. a drunk driver. she had been too fragile. she was dead when they got to the crash. her family died later in the hospital. I.. I lost... I lost her again" he breaks down

I have no idea what to do

I reach for him but my hands fall short

what do I do?

he looks up at me

"I'm sorry. for who I was"

I look back and say soft and slow "im not mad at all. and I'm not going to say that you'll be okay because I know it isn't that simple, and I know I can never make up for the immense pain you feel, but I will tell you that we are okay, and that I'm sorry you had to lose her. both of them... I know we all have pasts and histories but don't ever apologize for your past. because the fact that you handled everything the way you did says more about how good you are than if nothing had ever gone unexpectedly. and definitely never apologize for creating and loving another person. Amanda was your daughter. I will never expect you to apologize about her."

he pulls me against him and hugs me as tight as he can. his face is in my neck and I feel his tears on my cheek. I run my hand up and down his neck. we stay there for a while. until it's time for me to go.

"so I'll see you tomorrow?" he says but like he's unsure

I squeeze his hand and smile "unless you have other plans" I joke

I start walking away but he tugs on my hand.

he stands up next to me and looks in my eyes. he reaches up with his hand to rest it on the side of my face and runs his thumb across my cheek.

"thank you" he whispers and leaves a small kiss on my forehead

"always" I say
...

now I'm laying in my bed with some music playing and the only coherent thought I can form is

"holy shit."

~~~~

okay so I'm back and I love you all. give me ideas. give me feedback
and give me love lovers
okay sorry I'm distracted I just really loved writing this chapter so tell me what you think.
AND YES I KNOW IM TERRIBLE OKAY.
but I love you guys
talk to me babes
-kass