Thoughts Of A Sinner

1st Train of Thoughts

Since I was little I remember learning how to prey. I didn't truly understand it, I just knew I had to do it every night before bed. It was my great-grandpa who taught me how and he also raised me. He had a very strong belief in god, he is the only person I know of who had tried his very best to live his life by god, and honestly I can't even think of a time where he had sinned other than occasionally cussing when he was frustrated. He and his wife adopted my grandma, instead of having children of their own so he really isn't related to any of us by blood but we always ignored the fact and loved him as a father. He used to read all the bible stories to me and I've always had a fascination with all of them, then time passed by and made us grow apart til I had to move with my mom, but I still made the effort to visit him, cook for him and to hear him read to me. Years passed by so fast and life had me so busy, that I hardly saw him. He had grown older to where he had lost most of his sight, he grew weak so that I was the one now reading stories to him. We both enjoyed our time together and he always seemed to have all the best answers to my questions about god and about life. I would always ask him about death because I knew his time was only growing shorter and his answer was always that the 'new world' was coming and that's where we would meet again. To this day I still believe that, and I know in my heart that I will see him again along with others I have loved and lost.
So I'm sure everyone who has taken the time to read this, has their own opinions about life, death and most of all about god. I haven't always believed in god as strongly as I do today, there was a time period in my life when I stopped believing and started to doubt his existence. But before that time I grew up always praying to him when I would remember and believing in him but only up to a certain extent, at this time I didn't truly believe in him with all my heart, it was almost like I expected everything to just fall into my hands because I was really spoiled. These were also my teenage years so I felt very lost and confused with everything around me. Then I fell in love with my best friend from high school he was my first love, my first everything. I got so wrapped up in my feelings for him and didn't care about anything else around me. Of course we had our ups and downs, he cheated I always forgave him we both tried to leave each other but failed miserably, we could never stay away from eachother. So years passed, I started to notice his fascination with weed and pills, I was raised very well to know better than to give into pure pressure but of course this didn't stop me from being curious. So we started this lifestyle with loving each other and loving to get high together. Long story short, it lead to us both getting addicted to painkillers. One night his cousin, him and I all decided to try ecstasy, it was a fun night but what scared me was that all of us were all out cold til 6pm the next day. It was all fun and games to both him and his cousin but to me I felt that we had got lucky to survive, of course I ignored these thoughts and continued with life. Oddly enough, we ended up doing the same thing the following weekend but this time with a new kind of pain pill we had come across. That night I tried to convince him to just stay home with me, he said I was being too controlling like his mother instead of his girlfriend so I totally surrendered and told him that from then on I would let him be. So that night he had just got payed and of course his cousin knew this and calls asking to party. We both go to his cousins, after purchasing a lot of pills and I am hesitant about taking these pills so instead I take a sleeping pill. I end up falling asleep and I remember waking up to him pulling me to the restroom he keeps pressuring me to take these pills, so I finally give in and shortly after I go back to sleep. About 7 am I wake up and see him beside me I tell him to wake up and nudge him on the side, he flops off the bed onto the floor and at this point I am laughing because I figure he is just joking with me. He doesn't get up, doesn't budge so I start screaming for help and I go into shock, I try my best to breathe air into his lungs but nothing works. The EMT's finally arrive along with cops all they care about is a statement from me when I am in shock and can't even breathe. He is then airlifted to a better hospital than our hometown and is in ICU. I now feel like I'm in a dream, can't eat can't sleep I just feel like dying. I sit down while the doctors go to check his brain for any activity, shortly after a doctor comes out and says his brain is fine he's gonna recover and I feel so happy and relieved, only to be woken up by his mom crying and saying he's not gonna make it, he's brain dead. So now I really wanna die and I don't know what to do with myself, so I spend my last moments with him and whisper in his ear something I would always tell him 'always and forever babe' is what I would always say to him and this time I meant it with my all because I knew we just had to meet again someday.
After the funeral and everything, I was left in this really dark depressing state. I stayed in this dark room for days and didn't do much with myself, months passed as I was like this. One day I went outside, as I was sitting there, this beautiful blue bird landed right by me it stayed by my side and didn't fly away scared like all birds do, then I remembered that when my boyfriend was younger his family used to call him Tweety bird because he resembled tweety when he was a baby. This really made me happy, maybe its crazy to think but at this moment I thought that maybe god reincarnated his soul into a beautiful animal. After that day I felt his presence whenever I was alone, I wasn't sure if I was going crazy but I felt the same love and comfort whenever I was around him. I knew it was time to try and move on or at least do something with myself.