The Diary of Mei 2

rant

sunday, may 29th, 2016 8:48am

something happened yesterday.

horrible.

a thought came into his mind. "blood pouring through my skin." i don't know why. i don't know how. he was in so much pain. i had no one else. aki had no internet, i couldn't message her. i messaged rhee instead. cried, for hours on end. apologized to rhee for being stupid and not taking a god damn joke.

he almost did it. i was shaking, and crying. i went to my room, and cried so much. i was able to not make him do it. but then i get a text. from rhee. "he was like this 2 weeks ago." why didn't i notice? "he did it 2 weeks ago." WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE?

why wasn't i there for him to stop it?!

why didn't he tell me?

i'm apparently not enough to help him. no matter how many times he says i am, my words and actions have failed.

i piled more problems onto rhee when she already has enough. how stupid of me.

i've held it in for so long, i can't take it anymore.

i'm no longer strong.

i lost all my strength the moment i heard that he already did it.

i have so many reasons to do it.
so, fucking many.

i can't take this anymore.

i'm not enough.

i'm not worthy.

i'm worthless.

i'm useless.

i'm weak.

i'm stupid.

i'm horrible.

the worst.

i can't take this. i can't stop him. i can't stop her.

maybe this is the time i get over my fear of blood.

i've put on a fake smile my whole life, that i don't even know if my smiles with my friends are genuine, anymore.

maybe i should just give up. what's the point, anyway? it's not like anyone's gonna miss me, right? maybe i should just take an eternal sleep. i haven't got much sleep anyways. maybe, i should stop. stop fighting. i'm too wounded. stop being strong. i'm about to collapse on the dirty, blood covered battleground. i can't fight anymore. i've held it in for too long to keep going.

i failed.

thanks for playing...

命