When I met Bucky two years ago, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that we could never go out during the days or travel to places I've been dying to visit. I knew that I couldn't introduce him to my family, to my friends. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.
We're a ticking time bomb. At any time, at any moment, he could be ripped away from me and God knows when I'll see him again, if I ever will. I knew that I had to make each moment with him count. I knew that I needed to prepare myself for the day I walk in the small apartment after work and not find him sitting on the couch eating a bag of chips, watching whatever was on that day. I knew that I needed to be prepared for the day I'll roll over to his side of the bed and feel the cold sheets beneath me. I knew I needed to be prepared for his departure.
He always reminded me that when he had to leave, he couldn't take me with him. As many times as I reassured him that I could handle myself through his missions, he knew that it would be best for me to stay back and forget him. As if I could ever forget the man who the whole world saw as an assassin but who I see as the man I first fell in love with, and possibly the only one I'll ever love.
So when I came home from work that day, I should've been ready when I saw his bags packed and placed beside the couch. But I wasn't.
"W-what's going on?" I asked, breathing heavily as I dropped my car keys on the counter. He pointed at the newspaper I dropped my keys on top of. Bombing in Vienna? Winter Soldier main suspect?
"I didn't do it." he muttered, looking down. "You have to believe me."
"Of course, I believe you." I waked towards him, cupping his face in my hands. "We were together that day. We were sitting on this couch watching Spongebob Squarepants because nothing else was on. We ate the ice cream. The one that we bought instead of the frozen vegetables for dinner. I remember you saying at the store, "Let's skip dinner and buy some ice cream for a special day." I know you didn't do it, Buck. But why are people saying that you did?"
"It doesn't matter." he sighed, finally looking up to meet my eyes. "I need to leave."
"I'll come with you."
"No." his voice cracked. I've never seen him this upset and I want nothing else but to hold him and tell him it will be alright. "You can't go, remember?"
"Why not Bucky?"
"We've talked about this. I told you to prepare yourself for this day."
I shoved his chest, backing away from him. "No amount of preparation, two months or two years, would make it easier for me to watch you go."
"You knew what you were getting yourself into."
"What about you?" I turned around, my back facing him. "Did you know what you were getting yourself into? Or does this not affect you at all? Am I the only one that's being affected by this? By you leaving?"
"Jesus Christ." Bucky sighed, walking towards me then wrapping his arms around my waist. "Do you really think this shit isn't hard for me, doll? You don't think I'm gonna miss waking up next to you every morning? You don't think I'm gonna miss your unhealthy F.R.I.E.N.D.S obsession? You don't think you affected my life at all?"
"You're acting like it doesn't hurt you."
"It hurts me more than it hurts you."
I spun my body around, face to face with Bucky. "Fucking impossible."
"After 70 years, after being frozen and tortured and brainwashed and used, nobody was there for me. Until I met you. Nobody had ever loved me and believed in me as much as you did. I depend on you more so than you depend on me. There are so many days that I feel like I'm going insane but I take one good look at you in the kitchen making dinner and everything is suddenly okay. You make me feel like I'm not this God awful assassin, I'm Bucky. This is breaking me, doll. Please don't make it more difficult than it has to be."
"Do you remember that one night you told me about the dancing you did with your dates in the 1940's?" I closed my eyes, leaning my head on his chest. "Then I asked you to dance with me and you said you were rusty because you haven't done it in so long. You were a liar, by the way. You swept me off my feet that night. Literally and figuratively."
His chuckle sent vibrations down his chest. "I caught you before you fell, didn't I? What song were we dancing to?"
"Slow Dancing In A Burning Room by John Mayer."
"Right." he smiled. "One last dance before I leave?"
I let out a broken sigh, "Sure, Sergeant."
"It's not a silly little moment. It's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of, this love that we've been working on." Bucky sang softly, his forehead connecting with mine. "Can't seem to hold you like I want to so I can feel you in my arms. Nobody's gonna come and save you. We pulled too many false alarms."
I was crying, I couldn't help it. Bucky, the Bucky I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with everyday was leaving. He noticed my tears, detaching his human arm from my waist to wipe the tears away. He let out a watery laugh. I could tell he wanted to cry. I rubbed my cheek softly against his palm knowing that this is the last time I'd be able to feel his warmth on me.
"We're going down, and you can see it too. We're going down, and you know that we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room." he continued. I mimicked what he did with me, detaching my arm from his shoulder and wiping his tears away. "I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it's nothing to me? Baby, you're the only light I ever saw. I'll make the most of all the sadness, you'll be a bitch because you can. You try to hit me just to hurt me so you leave me feeling dirty. Because you can't understand."
"You know all the words." I commented. "Who knew the winter soldier could go soft for John Mayer."
"Correction, soft for you." Bucky smiled. Then it disappeared. He pulled himself off me, stepping back to grab his bags. "Goodbye, doll."
"You're gonna leave without kissing me?"
"That's gonna make everything so much harder." He threw his backpack over his shoulder. "Why make it harder that it already is?"
"It's pretty fucking difficult already, Barnes. If its gonna be hard we should just make it the worst it possibly can."
My hands were on my waist, not even bothering to wipe off the tears streaming down my face. I bit my bottom lip trying to stop any more from escaping but it was so damn difficult.
He was so damn difficult.
He dropped his bags, walking quickly towards me. Bucky grabbed my face in his hands, holding me like I was his whole world. When I looked up in his eyes, I realized that I was. How dare I question my importance in his life? What I feel for this man, he reciprocates my feelings.
He kissed me. He kissed me passionately, hard, perfectly because we both knew it was the last one we'll ever share. He could end up dead, or worse, brain-washed by HYDRA again. So Bucky kissed me. My hands flew up to touch his face. I memorized him, inside and out. His stubble was rough against my palm. His face was wet and I didn't know if it was solely because of me or if he was crying as well. It didn't matter because he was kissing me. And he was leaving me.
We pulled away, my hands trembling as I wrapped them around him. I didn't want him to leave.
"Don't go." my voice broke and I felt him hang onto me just a bit tighter. "Bucky, please."
"I have to, doll." he gave me a sad smile, walking away to pick up his bags again. "We knew we were doomed from the start, didn't we?"
"Yeah," I laughed. "But I always thought we were doomed together."
"You'll always have my heart."
"I completely and utterly belong to you, James Buchanan Barnes. I wouldn't change it if I could."
He walked over to me, kissed me on the cheek, and headed towards the door. "I love you."
"I love you more."
"Fucking impossible." he laughed, unlocking the door and stepping out. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Bucky."
