July

Before

"Are you aware the shape I'm in? My hands, they shake, my head, it spins," - I and Love and You, the Avett Brothers

She laughs easily and often, I, not enough. At least that's what she always tells me, to lighten up. She hasn't laughed in a while though.

BEFORE
Her face twisted into a forced smile. She reached across the table and grabbed my shaking hand.
"Yes, of course I'll marry you." I was relieved. The restaurant cheered and congratulated us on our way out, holding hands for the second time of the night.

"Stopped raining." I said looking up at the sky once we were out on the street. Cars went past and through puddles.

"Yep." She looked up and around us at the city and the buildings lit up against the night sky as if she was seeing it for the first time. "We can announce it next week." She said as we crossed the street to our apartment building.

"Next week?"

"Yes next week, when we visit my sister," She stopped walking and dropped my hand, "In Maine. You didn't forget did you?"

"What? No, of course I didn't forget." She sighed and took my hand back.

"My mom and brother are coming like a week after us. We can tell them then."

"When do I tell my family?" I asked, we were in the elevator now.

"I don't care, whenever I guess."

I called my mom as soon as I got in the door. She was overjoyed. Her only son was getting married. She had something to look forward to other than the weekly sales at Shop Rite.

"My mom wants to talk to you." I handed the phone to Isla who chatted eagerly with her for a couple of hours.
I thought I was supposed to be a lot happier than this.

The week before Maine went by quickly like a bad romantic movie montage. Movies were watched, walks were taken, and cookies were baked. We told our friends the big news and shots were bought for us by the excited best man.
I could tell our friends were trying their best to seem happy for us. I knew they didn't think it was a good idea. At the bar one night I overheard a couple of them saying that they think we are settling for each other and that we have been together for so long that we just don't know how to be with anyone else. But I knew the truth and didn't care what they thought. I love Isla. But nevertheless I sucked it up and brought them each a beer. Isla came and the fake small talk continued. This is how most of our nights out were spent. In some sticky bar in Brooklyn with our 'friends' politely chatting with forced enthusiasm. Isla would try her best to salvage them. Laughing as easily as she did, she managed some authenticity into these nights. We appeared as the happiest of couples. Even I began to buy into the lie.