July

Road to Joy

I saw Isla and I's blue Focus in the driveway and my throat dropped into my stomach. Shit.

But it was too late. Kate had already noticed me standing there, staring wide eyed at a relic of what I was trying to leave in the past.

"Adam, hey!" She called from her front porch.

I walked up the steps to her. "Hey, is Isla still here?" I nodded to the car.

"No. Actually I was just leaving to drive it to Rory's for you. Isla said she didn't need it in the city. Figured you'd get more use out of it." I smiled, dumbfounded.

"How'd she get home?"

"Beats me." Kate shrugged. "Train, bus, taxi. Either way she called saying she arrived about ten minutes ago." If there was one thing Isla was it was resourceful........well, that and determined as all.

"Um, do you think I could-" I stumbled with my words as I focused on my hands, on my fingers, any thing but Kate's eyes. The eyes of the sister of the woman I thought I loved. They were eerily similar in this light and it was making me nervous for something that would never come, something I couldn't name.
Kate is not Isla.
She will not roll her eyes at your dumb requests for impossible things.

"What's wrong Adam?" Her face shone concern.

I gave a small, failing smile. "Barely a full day on my own and I've already fucked up."

"I can help. You have to tell me what I need to do. Adam," She took my hand in her's. For a moment I thought of my mother. "I can help you."

"I need a place to stay." My voice was quiet. I wasn't sure what I was asking. More than a place to stay. A place to hide from all I have killed. The relationships. The chances. Everything. There was still a voice in me that said it was all very fixable but it was getting quieter by the second.

"Of course."


Kate made tea and we sat in the quiet comfortable of her living room and its oceanic knick-knacks and embroidered pillows with puffins and seagulls. The smell of coffee and vanilla candles a constant staple in the home. The afternoon slowed into evening and shown on the water visible from the couch where I sat, reminding me of the fireworks. Something in my throat caught.

"So, what do you think happened?" Kate asked. I was studying the cracks on my mug from years of use. The front showed a drawing of a red lobster with the words "Boothbay Harbor, Maine" and " The Way Life Should Be " on the back. What a home like feeling I got then. I cant describe it. I looked over at Kate, sitting in a winged chair next to the couch. She had on a cable knit sweater and and worn, faded jeans. She was sitting criss-cross and holding her mug close to her for it's warmth. She was the ultimate mom who would never be a mom. Isla once told me that Kate sworn off relationships after too many bad ones came her way. This hit me harder than it should have. I didn't like the idea of someone ever hurting Kate. She has saved my ass time and time again. i could never accurately describe how grateful I have been for her.

"I don't think our lives were ever meant to compliment each other's." I felt strange saying these things about her sister, but Kate was genuine. I felt I could tell her things. Kate listened. I hoped that one day I could listen to what she had to say. "I think Isla deserves someone who wants to continues the life we started. "

"You don't?"

I shook my head. "You guys here have shown me a life, a lifestyle that I have been searching for, for a long time."

"City life isn't for you then." She said it with a joking smile.

"Nope, guess not."

"Me either." She stood up to dump her mug in the sink.

As she was rinsing it out: "What about Rory?" I looked over the back of the couch to her.

"I really don't know."

She put the mug down and turned towards me, leaning on the counter. "You know, I've known Rory since high school. Shes come to be a good friend of mine. Shes a lot like you."

"In what way?"

"She hasn't yet found happiness."