if i could fly // perrie

prologue

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving.

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There was always something in the way that she moved that made it blantantly obvious how broken she was. Adeline tried very hard to seem happy. She was great at looking seemingly okay. She could hide behind fake smiles and laughter if she didn't have the incesant need to want to die twenty four hours a day and seven times a week.

It all started in second grade. That was her first real experience with a bully and it only worsened from there on. At first, it wasn't even that bad. It was just a few mids that liked to call her fat. Then people started calling her disgusting. Then they called her a whore. Then they called her a bitch. Then boys took advantage of her and that was when it got really bad.

She was only thirteen when she was raped. She remembered everything clear as day.

Adeline was in the girls bathroom, trying to make the tears less evident. One of the popular girls had literally beat her up only an hour ago and she was still trying to recover and clean her blood up off the floor. After she had finally gotten piece of mind and she looked less like a racoon, she headed towards the door, so that she could hopefully make it to Honors English in time.

Time was not her side when half the football team walked in with evil and ugly smirks on their arrogant faces. They pushed her up against the wall and she kicked and screamed when they started shedding her clothes. They put her shirt in her mouth to gag her. No one could hear her, but it didn't really matter. No one cared.

They raped her almost four times in that week. It was always at the same time and the same place.

The night after the last rape, Adeline scrubbed and scrubbed the remenants of scum off of her. She couldn't do it anymore. It hurt. She hurt. That was the night of Adeline's first attempted suicide. Unfortunately, her dad found her and stuck his fingers down her throat so that she could throw up the twenty or so pills that she had swallowed.

It was the worst in the world to open her eyes and see her dad in a hospital chair. She didn't want to live anymore and she just didn't know why no one would accept that.

That was only the first attempt of the forty three in the past nine years.

Adeline had no doubt in her mind that she belonged six feet under. She knew that her only purpose in life was to die. It seemed very contradicting, but that was what she was made for. It didn't bother her. Everyone had a purpose. Her's was just a darker purpose.

It had been a long battle for her father. He was already quite old when Adeline was born. Her father was now well in his sixties and he had too many health problems to count. Her father, Oliver, was diagnosed with liver cancer when Adeline was six and for sixteen years, he lived with his cancer and he did well.

Up until four months ago.

Four months ago, the doctor diagnosed Oliver with brain cancer. The cells had spread to his brain and now he had massive tumors living up there. It hurt like hell. Adeline could tell he was hurting, but he tried to remain strong for her. Her father was all that she had left. Her mother committed suicide by the time Adeline was eight and her father was all that she had left.

The cancer was worsening. Oliver could no longer walk and Adeline had to help him to the bathroom. He wouldn't eat or drink. All he did was sleep and every night, Adeline cried herself to sleep.

It was supposed to be an okay morning. She was supposed to give her father a bit of water and watch him sleep. She was supposed to see him alive. He was far from it. Oliver was as pale as a ghost. His mouth formed a large zero. His eyes were closed. He looked peaceful, yet hurting all at the same time. Adeline remembered running. She did nothing. She didn't call hospice or the police or even her neighbors. She just ran.

Adeline couldn't stand to see him looking like that. The pain in his face. The color washed away. It physically hurt her to see her father. Her father was dead and there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it.

She ran to the bridge. The bridge that her mother had jumped off of over fourteen years ago. She remembered how her mother parked the car in front of the bridge and how she told Adeline to wait in the car. She remembered seeing her mum step on the ledge and watch her fall and Adeline did nothing. She couldn't do anything. Her mother was dead by then, surrounded in the ongoing traffic below her.

Adeline stepped onto the ledge as she remembered her mother's death and the way her father looked. She was ready for death. This was her chance. Of the forty three, this was going to be her first successful attempt.

She slowly inched foward as she looked at the traffic below her. For the first time in her life, she was scared. She was beyond scared, but she had to do this. She had to die. She had to be reunited with her mother and father.

"Wait! Stop!" a voice screamed. It startled Adeline and she fell foward. A hand grasped hers as she dangled from the bridge.

The hand held on tight. It was a woman, she could tell. She had long blonde hair and the woman was crying for Adeline. Finally after several minutes, the woman pulled Adeline up.

The woman pulled Adeline into a hug. They did not know each other, but there was something about the two that worked together.