Hope

8

**Lots of suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression, anxiety... this is a filler, don't read this if it will trigger you. I might not be updating regularly but I will try to update at least once every 2 weeks xx**

Dan's POV
Phil thought I was happier. In reality I had never felt worse. Admittedly it cheered me up knowing that he liked me too, but as I laid in his arms, I realised how broken I was.

It had been this way, constantly, ever since I lost Lou. She was one of the only people I could really open up to about my feelings. She may as well have been my big sister, but when I was in year 8, she told me about her eating disorder, and I panicked and told the teachers. She said she didn't hate me, but over the months I felt us drifting apart. It broke my heart, and i tried messaging her to tell her this, but she just replied with 'we'll always be family at heart, but maybe it's for the best.' Without her, I just let my depression and anxiety eat me from the inside. She had helped me to stay strong, but without her I soon gave up. She was my only real friend, and for over a year she was my only reason to live. Without her, I couldn't see the point.

That was what it was like. Even though I had Phil next to me, I felt more alone than ever.

That's what depression does. It isolates you, distances you from everyone. It makes you see all the negative things in the world, and it often makes you want to die. You'll do anything to ease the pain, just for a few hours. That's where self harm comes in. The physical pain distracts from the everlasting pain in your mind, and you get addicted to the release. But like all drugs, it stops working, and that's when it all goes dark. There's no hope.

When you have anxiety it only makes it worse. It makes you afraid to reach out for help. It makes you scared to say anything. It's like your drowning, but everyone around you is breathing fine. You feel like nobody understands. You feel like nobody else gets what it feels like, to wake up every morning and struggle to get out of bed. To look in the mirror and hate what you see. To have to choke down every meal. To feel like your just a burden. To blow out the candles on your birthday cake and wish to die.

People say they're always there for you, but when you're alone at 3am, and it's just you and the blades, where are they? At home, in bed, with not a care in the world.

Losing Lou was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I waited for 18 months, hoping, praying that she would come back. But she never did. She was in the year above me, so she went into year ten, did her GCSEs, and forgot all about me. And I was the one left crying himself to sleep every night.

I was brought back to earth when I realised Phil was asleep on my shoulder. Knowing this, I let a sob escape my mouth. Then another. And another. I cried and cried until there were no more tears left to cry. I moved my arm to wipe my eyes, and Phil fell, causing him to wake up. Great.

He just looked at me for a few seconds, before throwing his arms around my waist and hugging me tightly. He looked at me against, and started to whisper in my ear.
"You can always talk to me, Dan..."
I nodded, the tears still trickling down my cheeks. I didn't even realise how much of a mess I was.
"There's always a happy ending, I promise..."
That was when I finally spoke.
"Oh Phil, I'm not waiting for a happy ending anymore, I'm just waiting for it all to end..."
As I said the last words, I began to cry again. Phil just looked so sad and worried. I hated seeing him like that.

Phil's POV
I hadn't realised up to this point how broken Dan was. It made me so sad seeing him so upset, when all I wanted was to make him happy.
"S-sorry..." He spluttered out between sobs.
"Dan, look at me." He looked. "This, is nothing to be sorry about. If anything it's a good thing, because if I'm going to help you, I need you to trust me. Now I want you to tell me every single thing that went through your head in the last hour, and Dan..."
He stared at me questioningly.
"If I get upset, it's only because I care so much about you, and it breaks my heart to see you so sad."
"Okay... So..."

He told me everything he'd thought, and some of it was so dark. How could such a beautiful, perfect being have such corrupt, broken thoughts. When he finished, I told him I was really proud of him, and that I was there for him every step of the way. I still hadn't let go of him, and I didn't really want to. In his pyjamas, with him held so close, I could feel every bone in his body. How long had it been since he'd eaten a proper meal? I was going to make sure ha ate tomorrow, no ifs, no buts.

But for now, I just wanted to stay holding on to him, for I feared if I let go I would never get him back.

I felt his body become heavier as he fell asleep, but he was still so light that I worried if I hugged him too hard he might snap in two. I stayed awake for a long time after he had fallen asleep, making a list of things that I wanted to help Dan overcome.
1. Suicidal Attempts and Thoughts.
2. Self Harm.
3. Major Self-Esteem Issues.
4. Anorexia?

One thing was for certain, this wasn't going to be easy. But I didn't care, because I would've walked to the end of the world and back for Dan. I decided to start another list, this one I would show him, it was titled 'Reasons For Dan Howell To Love Himself'. The list was endless, so I decided I would write five per day.
1. He's beautiful
2. He's been through so much, but still stays strong
3. He's a great kisser
4. His eyes are perfect
5. His skin is flawless
I added a 6th reason in my head, that I had no intention of him ever finding this one out.
6. He saved Phil Lester's life.