Alex (male)

Chapter two

   TRIGGER WARNING

   I'm still here and I haven't told my mom the thing yet. If i did I'm sure she would hate me and kick me out or send me to some kind of camp to "correct" me. I don't have the mental strength to handle that. My mom has been there for me for as long as I can remember. My sister marissa is a different story though. She always bullied me because of the things I liked or how I acted. Heck she even makes fun of me because I don't wear makeup but she doesn't know why I don't wear it. I do think guys have ever right to wear makeup but it just makes me feel better if I don't. If I ever told my sister I'm transgender I know the exact words she would say (trigger warning) "but you don't have a dick so you can't be a guy, I'm still gonna say she because that's what you are, why are you an it, your a freak just go away you disgusting tranny" and honestly just typing those words makes me feel disgusted at my self even though I know I shouldn't.
   I get into my head. I tell myself I'm just crazy and I need help or that I'm just here to suffer and make others feel hate towards me. I feel like my only purpose in life is to die and just be another forgotten story. My thoughts were interrupted when my sister marissa says something "why" she says in a disgusted tone. She talking about my beanie, I tucked my hair into it and left a fringe so I look less "girly" "because I can. Why do you wear makeup" I ask hatred laced my voice. She stood there for a few seconds "ew who are you" she says and walks away. She only says that when she doesn't have a good comeback. This is exactly why I don't tell my sister I'm a boy because she'll hate me for it. I know I shouldn't stick around people who don't accept me but I'm just not strong enough to be on my own yet; and plus I don't have the money I'm only 12.
   I go back to my room and sit in a corner to think, think about my life mainly my future, I'm scared that I'll be alone and won't be able to make enough money to live but I also think about happy things. I think about the possibility of me have mind a husband or wife or being a foster father and helping children and teens stay strong and hang on to life. That's what I want to do. That's some of the reason I'm still here it's not a strong influence but at least there's a little.
   I've been at a low for a while, I put on a fake smile so my friends won't see but I wish someone would. I just want someone to hug me, tell me I'm special and everything's gonna work and not let go until they know I'm alright. I would tell my friends but I'm scared of rejection just like a lot of people. The truth is I'm not special and not everything is going to be okay. I'm just a person with dumb problems that aren't valid. This is what I think daily. I'm tired of being sad and alone. I miss the times I thought I was a girl and wore dresses and loved long hair, the times I dreamed to walk down the aisle in a perfect wedding dress, now I ponder if something is great, my lungs will fill and then deflate, they fill with fire, exhale desire and most of the time I just sit in silence. 

Hope you didn't hate this