Ash (trans story)

Chapter Two - Friends?

I finish my school work and decide to do some art, for fun. I start drawing a rough sketch to paint when the doorbell rings.

Shit. Fuck. Shit, shit, shit. I start to panic, not completely sure of why. Worried of who might be on the other side of the door about to most likely enter the house.

It can't be him. It's not him, calm down, I tell myself.

I hear my mum answer the door, 'Alison! There is a boy here for you!'

A boy? What? I don't know anyone here...I walk slowly down the stairs and he's standing there in an oversized hoodie and skinny jeans.

'Zach?' I hear the shock in my voice. He looks up at me and smiles, 'that's me.'

How do they all manage to smile so much here? Maybe its something in the water, I may never know.

'Hey,' I smile, he gives a small wave back. My mother is looking at me expectantly.

'I guess you can come up to my room?' I motion for him to follow me. We walk up the stairs in silence and I hear my mother leave the hallway and begin talking to someone called Jennifer in the other room. Since when did she know a Jennifer? Or anybody in this town?

'I like your room,' he says with a slightly awkward tone to his voice, his hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie.

I look down and mumble a thank you. I start to get flustered, there is a pretty guy in my room, of course I'm nervous.

'So, why are you here? Not to seem rude or anything...I don't usually get visitors...' I say nervously, gosh that might seem mean. Shit.

'Oh, um, sorry....I noticed you were new, I guess.' He shrugged, 'I asked if anyone knew you and someone said they saw you with Jessica Taylor, then it clicked that you had the seem name and everything, so I came here and I'm sorry I'm rambling...' he trails off, damn he's cute.

'Ok...but why did you ask? Why come here?' I must seem very rude at this point, he might feel like I don't want him here.

'Oh, um, I'm not really sure...you seemed different to everyone else and I just guess I thought we could be friends,' I look at him unsure if this is some cruel joke.

'Yea, sure,' I reply cautiously, he smiles brightly. All so fucking happy. He sits on the edge of my bed with his legs apart. Wow, very comfortable already, I guess thats how he is.

'So, Ash, tell me about yourself,' he smiles.

Well, here was the moment I was dreading, should I lie? Should I just tell him everything?

I sit on the floor in front of him and cross my legs, 'what would you like to know?' I look at him and I can tell that he's thinking.

'I don't really know, where did you move from I guess?'

'A city a few hours away,' I shrugged and he nodded. I sit down on the edge of my bed, one of my legs crossed on the bed.

'Why does your mum call you Alison?' I stare at him, I wasn't expecting this question so early on.

'You don't have to answer that if you don't want, I guess I just wondered why you spoke so quickly in class today when you were being introduced and then your mum called you Alison and my curiosity got the better of me...sorry,' he looks uncomfortable, should i just tell him? Ok, I guess I may as well.

'Well, my birth name is Alison, I hate the name, I hate her. She isn't me. She never was me.' I can tell I'm confusing him. 'I guess I just I don't know, I'm not Alison, I'm Ash,' he bites his lip, so attractive, I wait for him to say something.

'So, I'm sorry if this seems rude or anything, I really don't mean it to be, but you were born a girl, yeah?'

I nod slightly. I look at him nervously, this is usually were people tend to call me a faggot or a freak and tell me I should kill myself and that I don't deserve to live. But, he's sitting there, he looks as if he wants to say something, it takes him a few minutes before he finally decides to speak.

He nods, 'ok, and again, not to seem rude, but if you aren't a girl then what gender are you?'

I nod, 'I'm, uh, agender? It's just like, not having a gender.' He nods and smiles, I look down at my mattress and avoid his eyes. 'And, eh, my pronouns are neutral, so they and stuff...'

'Ok, I'll try my best,' I look up at him, shocked someone actually has the ability to be accepting at this point, he smiles at me, 'I'm sorry if I make a mistake.'

There's something different about him, he's listening and seems to understand. I smile and nod.

'So, anything else you want to know?' I ask more confidently, knowing that the biggest question was out of the way, well the obvious one anyway.

He nods, 'yeah, but we're friends, we have plenty of time,' he smiles, I knew I freaked him out.

We get up and walk downstairs and I open the door, 'bye see you tomorrow,' he says again, 'bye' I reply.

I wave and when he reaches the footpath I close the door and run back up stairs.

Jessica soon appears in my doorway, 'I bet you like being a girl now,' she smirks.

'Go away Jessica, please, I'm tired,' I don't understand why she was like this sometimes, it was only about my gender and sexuality, the rest of the time I could tolerate her.

'I think you like being a girl really, Ali, and he's going to make you like it even more,' she smirked. 'Do you really think that he would be interested in you if you were a guy? I mean your own confusion is bad enough, but if you just gave over about that, well, then he might be able to like you, in a proper boy-girl way,' she says, still smirking, turns and walks away.

God shes so infuriating. I pick up my sketch book and try to go back to drawing but I just can't.

Other thoughts start to fill my head and I can't shake them away. I push my sketchbook and open the top drawer of my bedside cabinet, and pick up a small treasure box. I open the lid and the light catches the sharp metal object. I set it carefully on my bed before getting up to shut the door tightly.

I go back to my bed and take the blade in my hand. I contemplate if I should really do this, my skin was bad enough. But then my mind begins to become much more negative and I start to drag the metal across my pale skin.

I thought I had hope, but obviously I don't, nothing will ever change. I will always come back to this.