A chuckle. A cry. Pain. Pleasure. A sweaty hand gripped the collar of his grey knit cotton thermal as he laid on ground curled in the fetal position... the other hand, found stamping it's palm to his ambiguously expressed face. The room was dark lit by the illumination of the full moon night... or morning. At this point in time, time had escaped him. His mind escaped him. His level of existence was null to him. His senses were intact by health bill yet he couldn't taste, see, hear, smell or feel anything... other then this ecstatic masochism at his core.
Now he was walking... the sun was bright, dentyne ice cooled his breath as cars passed on the right of him, to his left was her, in his hand. Their fingers intermingled with one another like the very threads of their hearts that tied them together as one. He wanted to look at her, but he couldn't... if he did, he'd cry. That smile was so genuine, so real, so trademark, the way her lips curved with enchanting satisfaction... he didn't have to ask if she loved him... it wasn't something he could give her, it was something they were in. How could something so lovely bring such tears? It didn't make sense, not that love ever did... so he sinned. He took that glance and there he went, drowning in a puddle of his own doing... He was with her at the mall, laughing with her, he was sitting in his room, talking to her, for hours at a time that he couldn't afford... he held her on the train, kissing her, unable to remember the difference from when they met, and when their lips did. It was the first time. It all fell in place together... it was meant to be, surely... how else could a person make him melt?
It's why he was sure, why he held that 3 diamond ring in his hand, it glistened like the tears on his cheek. He couldn't believe he'd attained it. The only thing more delicate he'd given anyone was his heart... and that was also to her, this was simply its material manifestation. He couldn't stand to be away from her, nor she from him. They were the epitome of each other's happiness... Plans swooped his mind, he was too complicated, too analytical... he should just drop to his knees and give it to her... but no, his knees didn't even reach the ground before he breached the threshold of excitement and gave to her... She engaged him with a kiss, close enough to their first. This is how he wanted it to be forever...
"Never change the way you are, and I will love you the same forever"
Perhaps it was the forces of darkness, those from the outside, masquerading as what was truly important in life... perhaps it was what was important in life... but not his... she was his life. But now it was tearing him apart. What had he done? Was it really so wrong? Where had his ideas of her gone? No where really, but they were shrouded by the unfortunate persuasion of those he deemed wise, and that cloud overtook his heart... and caused him to break hers.
He lost interest... not in her, not in the relationship but in what used to be his rose, or his teddy bear, or his medium sized coldstone or marble slab birthday cake ice cream... He was blinded by the smog and the poison, which desensitized his heart. He couldn't understand why he was here. His tears couldn't make sense of it. It wasn't him. It came from the inevitable imperfection of life. He loved her, but he was beaten and exhausted, and it wasn't the same. He didn't get it... what's more, is that she didn't get it. She tried to get it from him, but he felt he had nothing to give... besides he couldn't, Love... wasn't it supposed to be, what they were in? As he stood there, not talking to her on the phone, hanging out with his friends, and refusing to tell him was written on the pages of his mind, he could shoot himself.
And he did in his own foot... she wanted his attention, but he wouldn't pay it, and so she got it from another... one she'd had adequate time to grow, trip and fall in love with. He saw it but ignored it, and tried to snore through it, and allowed the image of this reality to remain distorted. He saw them laugh, and talk the same way as they did... it hurt but he was numbed, by that dark cloud of poison... it didn't allow his thoughts to form correctly, he didn't think on it directly... he tried to start to fix it... but she'd already been taken. And he wasn't trying hard enough. The vigor wasn't there. He didn't feel the pull from her end... it was gone.
Then he felt pain... real pain, when he saw them kiss. He wasn't there, but it was so vivid... she wasn't wasn't the lustful type, which made it worse, because it meant she wanted the other as a result of her feelings... the ones she wasn't getting from him... she'd gone out of her way, above and beyond, because she wanted it from the other, and no longer cared much for him or what he thought. She left him, went to a parking lot, touched the other in the backseat, allowed the other to touch her and kiss her and expressed themselves in sensuality together...It hurt and left him in agony, and was practically the reason he came back to reality... fully anyways... she'd broken his heart.
Back in the room he laid, curled still... in the state of mind he was when he'd first met her... everything but the complete happiness. It was halved. He loved her more than ever, but she had the key to his heart, and still hadn't reopened it to the way it was before. He'd opened the door but she didn't walk in... she stood in the doorway... contemplating her feelings, she said she missed them. She wanted them back, but he'd have to wait and fight for them until they returned... so he would.
The tears trickled... why did he look at the smile? It was something he shouldn't have, but he wanted so bad... He wanted it back. They were still in love, but it was dried out... it would take time now... for his tears to re-content it. A figured walked in the room and questioned his position on the floor. He sat up, with a half smile, and crawled over to it. It was lukewarm when he touched it... but he wanted to warm it. He spoke:
"Love hurts, but I want you back. I can't sleep or think without you on my mind, you are the reason I wake up, the reason I smile, the reason I cry. You have caused me the worse pain, but are the best thing I've ever felt. You made me the angriest I've ever been and the happiest without fail. Despite (or as proven by) the misfortunes we've had since we've been together... I am 1000% sure... I want to be with you... forever..."
He stood and kissed the woman who would never know just how much he loved her, with a smile, and cheeks covered with tears...
"I Miss You..."
