I'm going mentally insane. Usually, everyday's life and energy gives me the will to get up everyday, be productive and live life like it is the last day I have here. That is all gone now and I have no energy to do the smallest things. Getting up in the morning is the biggest task but I have been in bed for days so I try to at least get up and take a bath. My body and bones crack as I stand up slightly on the bed. I feel my head dizzy and I realise that I have not been out of bed for at least a week and a half. I stand up slowly, afraid that I am going to pass out.
The floor is cold which send shivers through my whole body. I make my way to the bathroom as I am stopped by the reflection of the mirror. I see a totally different person with dark undereye circles, messed up hair, underweight and a trickle of blood from the bed to where I am standing. I sign as I realise that my period started.
I manage to get into the bath after cleaning up the bed and at that moment I realise how mentally exhausted I am as tears started coming down uncontrollably. I slowly start to wash myself and try to be extremely careful not to scrub too hard since my body is full of bruises and cuts. Tears fall down even faster as I start to remember how the man that I loved so much made these marks on me. The person who I loved so much is not the same person anymore. I did not marry the person who drank bottles of alcohol everyday. I did not marry the person who violently punished me for anything that I did; including breathing too loudly. I cannot only say that Scott changed because I too have changed. I never believed in self destruction but the cuts all over my body and the empty alcohol bottles next to my bed proved my believes wrong.
I wanted to stay in the bath for ever, away from the real life outside, but my aching body did not permit it since all of my bruises and cuts start to burn after some time in the soapy water. I slowly get out of bed, wrapped my body in a robe and brush my hair; all as I look straight in my eyes in the mirror. My eyes are red and my whole body looks extremely tired. As I wear my underwear I hug myself because the memories of the unknown man touching my body struck me again. I breath in a deep breath and decide to go for some fresh air, at least down the road. I get dressed in joggers and a very baggy hoodie, especially now that I have lost weight. I put my favourite jogging shoes on, maybe I get in the mood of happiness.
With my hair in a bun, favourite clothes on, earphones in my ears and house key in my hands, I head out of the door. The bright light of the shining sun hit my eyes as I open get out. I breath in the cold air and put on the happiest face mask I could as I started walking down the road. The music beats in my head hit me like a thousand knives; music always leaves that effect on me. My feet keep walking and walking with no end as I reach the grocery store which usually takes me twenty minutes with the car. I decide to treat myself with some chocolate and so I go inside the grocery.
"Lea!" I hear a loud voice even though I had my earphones on full volume. I look around and notice my little sister Lara.
"Baby girl!" I greet her.
"Where have you been?" My little sister asked.
"Oh taking care of my Scott" I reply, smiling. My Scott. That feels so weird to me.
"Oh, I miss you at home," Lara whispered and at that moment I wanted to cry on her shoulders and beg her to go home with her.
"I miss you too, baby. And you've grown so much look at you!" I say as I hug her briefly, not wanting to touch my aching body with the clothes' material.
"It's like I'm a little kid to you," she laughs, "I'm only a couple years younger than you Lea."
"You'll always be my baby girl though!" I manage to say between my laughs.
"Goof ball!" she giggles. My eighteen year old sister and I chat as she grocery shops for our mum but I cannot really focus on the coversation as I am thinking of how I used to cuddle up next to Mum when there used to be thunder storms and how I loved cooking with Lara and Mum. After we go round the shop for the tenth time, she pays for her groceries and we say our goodbyes and hug for what seemed like forever.
I missed home so much and so, to distract myself from any destructive thoughts, I put in my earphones again, blast my ears with music and fill my body with emotion. It felt like forever to arrive back in front of my house, maybe because I did not want to go back and I walked slower than a tortoise. As I stand a couple of metres away, I see Scott's car parked and my heart dropped out of fear and regret of coming back home.
