Flashback:
I stopped walking as I reached the edge. There were 3 feet in front of me before falling into chaos.
I stood there. Looking straight in front of me. The sun was setting on the horizon, to the right of me, over the unending ocean. I could see the sea spreading out in front of me, the birds flying far away.
I heard the waves crashing against the rocks below, the cry of those birds.
I was here.
I was now.
And this was all there was, and all that mattered.
What had this life turned into?
Where was I now? Why was I here?
I was here to end my life. That was my purpose. And now that I was here, I didn't know what to think.
I had a simple choice. I could either stay the way I was, face the enormous consequences for being pregnant at 14. I could otherwise try to have it removed in secret, and live with the overwhelming guilt forever. Or, I could do what I came here for. End it all.
I felt so guilty for even thinking this was an option. I had a small person inside me. How dare I think I could let her die? How dare I think it was okay to do this? I was so confused.
I may think this is a good idea now, but how could I do this? I would be murdering her. I would be murdering Amber, the tiny human growing inside me. How could I such a thing? And still deem it alright to keep living, with death on my hands. The death of an innocent child nonetheless.
I was faced with this impossible dilemna. I kneeled on the edge of the cliff. I stayed there for some time just staring at nothing. My surroundings and my outside didn't matter. It was the internal battle that was hurting me, that was what I had to focus on.
Live. Kill her. Die.
How can a 14 year old be expected to know what to do? This decision would affect the rest of my life, no matter what I chose. I wasn't stupid, I knew what each option implied.
Why was I really here? Because I couldn't face the world. I felt too much pain and suffering. I faced an impossible decision. I was afraid. I was terrified. Of everything. And I was alone. And my reasoning for coming all the way here was simple. Death would take the pain away. And if there was something after death, could it really be worse than now?
My heart was beating uncontrollably. I stood again. Why was I thinking so much? Why didn't I just jump? Maybe because it was a point of no return... This would affect me forever. And I had to choose. I was so tired of fighting all around me, so tired of gasping for air in the crowds.
I couldn't swim very well. I had calculated my fall, the plan would work, I just had to take my 3 steps, and let myself go. I couldn't live with myself now, and I couldn't live with myself any longer.
I took a step, then another. I stopped right on the edge.
I looked down from where I was. On the left below, there was a beach. But it stopped and became rocks and water for the rest of the coast. If I jumped here, I would die at the bottom. Die. Stop living.
I was so young. But what else was there to do?
And I looked at the beach. And that was the moment I saw something that changed me forever.
A woman of about 19 or 20, still so young as well, was walking along the shore. And running in front of her was a small girl. She was so small and innocent. A perfect little child, the way Amber could become if I just gave her a chance.
She had curly blond hair. Not very much, as she must have been about 3 or 4. She was playing happily in the sand and running all around.
The sun was low on the horizon. It was already quite late, and the two were the only ones on the beach.
They both looked so happy. And I knew in that moment that if I tried, I might be able to achieve such joy. I didn't care anymore about the consequences in that moment. I just knew I couldn't kill Amber. I would live, for the sake of Amber.
I had no right to take her life away. To take away her chance at playing in the sand, of being happy.
I needed her. She would save me from myself.
And I was so tired. Tired of fighting myself for what seemed like a moment, but must have been 2 hours or more.
I wasn't ready to go. I had a whole life to live, and so did she.
And that little girl and her mother on the beach were living proof of that. They were at peace. They were happy. They had each other. And the small girl had a chance.
How dare I want to take that chance away from my baby?
I couldn't do such a thing. It's inhuman. And although some may choose an "easier" option, I wanted Amber to live.
I could think back at my childhood and say my parents made mistakes with me, I wouldn't do those with Amber. I wanted to be a good mother, a better mother. I wanted her in my life, I wanted to give her a life.
At 14, it overwhelmed I could have so much power. I could create a life, that was such an amazing gift. I couldn't throw it away.
So I didn't. I started sobbing uncontrollably. My knees gave away, and I knelt on the very edge of the cliff. As I watched the small girl down there, I told myself I could do this. For Amber's sake.
A small precious baby had done nothing to me. I would protect her. I would keep her safe.
For the moment I was so tired. All I knew was that I needed to relax.
And that was when I did the one thing I know I will regret forever.
I turned around, but instead of going to someplace restful, I went to a party.
I thought it would cure what I was feeling.
So I drank and danced and let myself go without killing myself.
And then I blacked out.
I collapsed.
I remember falling. Hitting the crowded floor.And then nothing.
A/N: This is my first chapter. I know I'm not an accomplished writer, but I've tried my best. I appreciate critique and tips. I know not very much actually happens in this chapter yet. But it was a very important moment. I thought I should start with the hardest moments.
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Deep Breaths (Book II)
Non-FictionStruggles of a teenage girl, who doesn't have such a peaceful life as others. It contains alot of sadness in some chapters, but there is also alot of happiness. The story may be a bit hard to follow at the beginning, but if you try to catch on, you'...