Deep Breaths (Book II)

Moving On

After waking up, I just lay there in the hospital bed. I had no will to move. I just lay there and thought and cried. I had slept for an hour and a half.

Deep down, I had unconsciously hoped everything had been a dream. I was wrong. But I just stayed there, slowly processing everything.

I noticed Norah Jones was playing in the background. Lydia must have done that. She knew that music always calmed me down.

I was thinking of everything going on. I went through everything that had happened in my mind. These last few days had been CRAZY to say the least:

I live in Amsterdam, because my dad is a business tycoon who had things to do there for a while. We travel alot, so I had friends all over the world.

But I had just booked a flight here, through my good friend Michael who owns a couple small jets. I remember calling him. Telling him I needed to take a little vacation. So he had brought me here.
I had gotten here, with my small carry-on, and gone to our small beach house here. And I headed right after to the beach about a mile away. I had called Lydia to tell her I was here, and she had told me of the party. I had walked along the beach before heading to the cliffs a little further.

Then I had spent a few hours there, quietly reflecting on my life.

As I thought back at all this, I realized how selfish I had been. Only thinking about how everything would affect me.

And then I had turned back, and gone to that party. I had danced on the bar, and on the pool table in the corner, and I had drank too much vodka to keep track of.

And then I had lost my balance during a fast dance track, and fallen from the stairs I was dancing on, and taken a heavy shock to the head.

And then I had lost her. Lost my Amber.

I snapped out of my memories, it was all too painful. This was where I was now. I was deeply hurt. At least I had gotten out of that very dark place, but now I felt like I was entering another.
As if on cue, Lydia silently came in. She didn't need to say anything, just being there was helpful.

She knew I was in pain, and she was there for me. She came to sit on the side of the bed, and took my hand. We sat there for a little while, each reflecting on the moment and past few days. It was hurting me, but it was easier to think of with her by my side. She was supporting me. She was being my pillar. And I loved her for it.

We stayed silent for a long time. I don't know how much time passed. But when I felt her move, I looked into her eyes and knew she was about to say something.

"Lil, it's okay. I'm here now, and you can let go. Don't let the pain eat you up from the inside. You'd only be hurting yourself."

I knew what she meant. I had been keeping the tears from falling because I didn't want to break down like that in front of her. But she was right. I had to take the step. Just let go.

And I did.

I told her how I felt then, rather I sobbed and cried it. I told her how I felt now, how confused and frustrated I was. I told her of all the love I had felt for my lost baby, how I had once told myself I would try to protect Amber and keep her safe. I should have protected her from myself too.

Lydia listened to everything. She didn't interrupt me, she didn't push me. She just let me talk, and she was there for me. She hugged me and held my hand. She also shed a few tears at some parts of the story. Just knowing she was there was helping me. It reminded me I wasn't as alone as I may think. Once I finished everything, she looked straight at me, and cupped my cheek.