Deep Breaths (Book II)

Grief and Suffering

Flashback:

I remember waking up. As I looked around, I saw I was in a hospital bed.

I wasn't in my normal surroundings. I could heard a beep, meaning they were regulating my breathing. That could explain the tubes.

As my eyes roamed the room, I saw Lydia in the corner, sitting in a chair. She was on her phone with headphones in, probably why she hadn't noticed my awakening yet.

She was a big sister to me of sorts. Not like we were actually related. But she was my best friend here in Florida. And I could vaguely remember her at the party last night. She must have brought me here.

I love that girl so much sometimes.

It felt strange though, I didn't know what time or day it was, and why I would be here. Normally if there is a minor health problem, it can be fixed rather swiftly. But here I was wearing a hospital robe and everything. And I had tubes running in into my body with fluids.

What had happened?

I already felt guilty for that party. I just couldn't think straight. I needed to find relief of some sort for what I had gone through. But I also felt extremely strange. Something had changed. Something was terribly wrong. I was internally panicking and it was getting worse every second.

I took a deep long breath. And simply called for Lydia.

"Lydia! Lydia!"

"You're awake! Lilianna I was so worried. My gosh, are you alright? Are you feeling okay? I have so much to-! Are you okay? O my gosh, I've been here for the past two days afraid you would never wake up! The doctor said you would be fine, but wow how-?"

She was talking so fast, but she hugged me, and made me feel safe. And I was already less panicky.

"Please stop talking so fast. Tell me what's going on. How long has it been? Is everything okay?"

"It'll be fine. It'll be hard, but you can do this. I believe in you, Lil. Just stay calm. It was Sunday when you got in, now we're Wednesday morning. So a bit more than two days. It's okay. I reassured your parents you were fine, just taking a little extra time off. But it'll be okay. You're okay, you've been stabilized."

She was keeping something from me. I could see it in her eyes. She had tears in her eyes, but I could see further. I kept quiet for the moment, as I needed to keep a level head, and assimilate what she had just told me, before asking more.

Just then, the doctor came in to check on me. As soon as he saw I was awake, he smiled tightly at me.

"Good morning, Lilianna. I'm glad you're awake. Your aunt here was very worried. I'm Dr. Morisson, but you can call me Daniel. I'm a friend of your aunt Lydia"
He let out his hand so I could shake it. I weakly lifted my arm and shook it. I was surprised he bought that Lydia was my aunt, as she is only 21. But I guess it could be possible...

"Hi Daniel. May I know how everything is going? I am kinda worried, and I can't remember anything since I blacked out. Am I alright?"

He glanced quickly at Lydia. I caught that look in his eyes, I couldn't understand it. I waited for his answer as he checked the noteboard near the machine with my heartbeat.

"You're doing fine. It was quite a rough first night here, but you're alright now. I do advise you stay and rest though, as you are still very fragile. You took quite a blow to the head with your fall."

"Is Amber alright?"

"Amber?" Of course he wouldn't know her name. It's not like Lydia would have told him the long story.

"Yes, my daughter, Amber." Both he and Lydia visibly stiffened at my question. He looked intently at Lydia, and she back at him. They were talking to each other through their eyes. My mind and heart started racing. What was wrong? Had she been hurt? It was actually a very large possibility as I had been drinking, and falling may have harmed her as well. I was panicking. He was taking too long to answer, which meant something was wrong. I could already feel my head start to throb at that thought. I was so careless and stupid. But what had happened? I need answers. Tears started welling up uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with Amber? What aren't you telling me? What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG??" I was sobbing already because their expressions had turned blank. He was going to tell me bad news. How bad it was, I had yet to discover.

"Lilianna, I'm afraid the foetus didn't make it. Your fall was already very harmful. But when your head got injured, the internal damage was fatal to her. I'm very sorry." He articulated every single word, making sure I heard everything well.

I stopped breathing. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything. I was seeing red. My heart felt like it would explode out of my chest. But my mind was blank. My mind was completely empty. And a few seconds later, his words actually processed through my brain. 'Didn't make it'. Amber was GONE? And then I saw black. I fell back against my pillow. I wasn't unconscious, I just couldn't wrap my mind around what had been said.

There was silence in the room for what felt like an eternity. I had nothing to say. I wanted the ground to open up, and suck me into the depths of chaos, I wanted to dissapear. I wanted anything to happen so that I wouldn't have to stay here and live with this reality. I didn't want to accept this. I couldn't accept this.

I was in full denial. I was in complete and utter denial. I was shocked to say the least. I hadn't even thought of the possibility that she could be DEAD.

I blamed myself for it. But I didn't want to believe it. I knew both Lydia and Daniel were watching my every move, awaiting my reaction. They probably expected me to say something. How could they expect anything? I expected my daughter to live, that was all I had expected. And my expectations hadn't been met. Why would I meet their expectations?

I knew that was terrible reasoning, but now wasn't the time to go all 'logical thinking'. I was hurt, so deeply hurt.

I only then realized tears were pouring out like an endless waterfall. Yet I was making no sound. I was lost deep it thought, I was thinking everything over deep in my mind. And yet I knew I had to give some sort of reaction.

Maybe, maybe, maybe somehow I had misheard something? Maybe I was hallucinating? Maybe I was just imagining this in my crazy mind?

"But, but-... Are you sure?"

A/N: Please tell me what you think of my writing, I am trying to describe the emotions as accurately as possible. It's rather challenging though to put it all down on paper.