The Devil I Face.

One.

Watching my ex's window from my car is not a view i enjoyed but he was in the house with her. So I stayed there with a cigarette in my hand. I parked my car a bit far away from his house so he doesn't see me but not far enough, i could see his hand on her waist. All i could see was their silhouette through the curtain, they have been talking for a while now. She pushes him back while i take a puff from the cigarette. I crush it as she walks towards the window pane. It's not difficult to get down from the window, I used to do it when we were a thing. I see her ash burned blond hair even in the darkness of this night. How could I not, I envied those pretty locks of hair the moment she entered our class a year ago. It was a weird feeling I must say, never in my life I had felt something so powerful that made me doubt my actions. Safe to say I never like her, she was a walking reminder of things I was not. I was not tall, thin, tanned, or have perfectly colored hair and most of all I was not enough in my eye to be with him. That day she made me feel so insecure of myself that I couldn't look at myself the same ever again. I can't blame her of doing that to me, if not her some other miss perfect would have had the honor to pull the carpet from under my feet. I know they say one shall fall for the soul and bloody bullshit of words. But what one must do when they can't even see in the mirror themselves without looking away. Everyday with him by my side telling me he loves me i couldn't say i love you, i wasn't even sure if i loved myself. Believe me when i say this i tried to see the world the other way, world where skin color doesn't matter or how tall or short one is or how curvy one's body is. I did try to look at myself with his eyes, tried to find what he loves about me. But I failed, not only myself I failed everyone I knew. I hate how much I let society tell me how and who to be. I hate that other have so much control over me and the worst part is that they don't even know that. I can't even blame them. So who can i blame? The only person i can think i can is me.

His room's light finally switches off its been awhile since she left. Finally after waiting in that car for hours, I start walking toward his house. His parents just left, which is a good thing because I stink of smoke and beer. After a trippy trip to his doorstep I knocked on the door. After few minutes I could hear his steps down the stairs as he approaches to the front door.

"You?"
I take a step in "not the welcome I thought I would receive".

"You gotta leave". He puts his hand on my arms from preventing me from moving any farther.

"Ha!" I let out a laugh, maybe too loud.
"Gosh you smell of smoke and alcohol, did you drive like this?" i moved my head to sat yes. I could see in his eyes how much he wanted me to leave, he couldn't let me go like this. He cares too much.
"Oh god! Come in i'll get to some water".
He helps me till his kitchen island and goes to get me water.
"Drink".
I don't think water will make any difference but i drink it.

"I shouldn't have come, I should go" I try to walk away when he places his hand on my shoulder.
"No, you shouldn't have but you did. Tell me why did you? last I recall I am not your boyfriend".

"I just had to see you". I didn't mean too but my hand travels to his cheek. He flinches back a bit but immediately holds my hand and doesn't move it. I could see so many questions piercing through his eyes into mine. I wish I could answer them for him but how can I, when I don't even know the answers myself.

"You can't just come back Blue, you broke my heart." He let go of my hand and I already miss the feel his touch.

"Aden.." he looks at me.

"What Blue? what? Tell me what are you doing here? Why can't you just leave me alone? Why?"

"I love you Aden".

He is taken aback by those words falling out of my mouth.

"In two years of our relationship, you never said I love you to me, not even once. Why now?".

"I can't go without letting you know that I love you as much as you did, I still do and always will. You are the first person I loved and will be the last". I said the last part in my mind.

"You..you can't do this Blue, why did you break us up if you loved me that much".

"Because I know you are better of with a person like Alison. I can't be enough for you, you think you love me Aden but..."

"Don't even dare to complete that sentence of yours, what makes you think I want Alison?".

"I saw her coming down your window". I look towards my shoes.

"She did come here that doesn't mean I want her, she tried to kiss me but I not over you. And now that I think of it I never will. You were my first Blue, please tell me how to fix this we still can make it through whatever we are going through. I don't understand it, not even a bit but make me understand". My mind laughs on how fast he changes from being angry with me to wanting me back. I see his upper lip curl up, he wants to kiss me but trying to fight off the urge. Should I put him out of his misery even if it's just for one night?