The Meadow

Me....

Chapter 1:Me...
     Have you ever been so peaceful and satisfied with not just yourself but with the things around you as well. Yeah neither have i. Sky giving you a warm welcome with its affectionate, loving arms open wide with no judgement. I just wish it was really true and not just a dream. The moment of getting out of bed and facing your biggest fears over and over again is the worst part of reality. Sleeping is always good. While, you're sleeping you don't have to think about how miserable life really is. But, then you wake up and there it is all. Over. again. Your miserable life.

     A life like this could be someone's dream, but it's not to me. To me, it's like not being able to breath. Not being able to breath from being simply destroyed inside is like when you're at the bottom of the deepest ocean trying, fighting the water to get back to the top, but there is no top. You're drowning. It's a never ending struggle.

     A struggle that a therapist or an adult can't fix. This struggle it just  feels like your heart beating for all the wrong reason. Talking to all the wrong people with all the worn out comes. You're just alive not living. Everything here is a lie. Feeling dirty and disgusted with yourself.

     These feelings are always on my mind. Even if it's not what i'm talking about in the moment. Trust me, it's there. Constantly mocking me.

     The constant feeling of someone trying to kill you but just won't let you die. That every time you8 try and get back up he kicks you back down. I just wished there was ONE place where i'm not alone or unloved.

    Every night longing for a way out. Leaving what you have to create something better. Where you don't have a past. Simply starting over. Because if i left it wouldn't  be my problem. It being the people who i am forced to call family. I wouldn't want to be forced to love the people that made me hate myself. The people that let me feel unlovable and utterly awful inside and out. When looking in the mirror just makes it all worse. The sight of a broken piece.

      That confused, damaged piece people throw aside to be destroyed. Wiped out while being dissolved in acid. The unpleasant for vicious encounters with a whole year. My main problem is that I want to see you make everything better, but I'm terrified. There are differences it from starting over and giving up.

       I am terribly afraid of losing myself. That's all I have in this world is evil. The fears of not just me haunts my dreams. Letting go and giving up because I lost myself is my scariest thought possible. I bring this up because my ending is coming near. Could be tonight. Could be tomorrow even in a year. I just know it's coming because I feel it. My life suddenly flashing before my eyes and my heart slowly blackening to a hard unbearable cover. I feel it inside of me. Happening right at this very second.

       And the sad part is... I don't remember the last time I felt happy. Can I even be happy anymore. I guess I'm just tired. Tired of pretending to be happy when all I want to do is cry. Tired of nobody caring and being ignored Day in and Dawn out. When having nobody to talk to about simply anything your days seem to get longer and longer. An endless inflamed car ride somewhere, someplace, going nowhere. I am experiencing feelings I wish didn't exist. You keep it on the inside because, that's the safest place for it.