Give Me Therapy

Chapter Six

Chapter Six

I sat backstage as the crowd cheered. The first show of the tour was about to start any moment. I bit my lower lip as I finished setting up my camera on a tripod to record the concert so I could write about the experience later. I looked over my shoulder and saw Jack rolling around on the floor, pumped to play. Zack jumped up on Rian’s back and Alex was spraying his hair with hairspray last minute. They were so excited to play, I was caught up in the energy that I found myself grinning like a fool and giggling. I snuck a peek to the crowds of hundreds, all screaming in anticipation, waiting to see their favorite band perform live. The feeling was unbelievable; it almost made you want to forget all of your doubts and just go for anything. I closed my eyes, loosing myself in that feeling when a hand rested on my shoulder.

Opening my eyes, I looked up and saw Alex standing there, smiling at me. “Hey,” he said. Instantly the feeling faded as my stomach twisted. I bit my lower lip and shrugged my shoulder out from under his touch. “Hey,” I said with little to no emotion. Alex’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion as he looked at me, obviously trying to figure out what he did wrong. I looked away, wishing he’d just leave me alone. “Hey, did I step on someone’s toes or something?” he asked with a small smile but his eyes showed all seriousness.  I looked back at him thinking about shoving him away and leaving, but once again it’s another thing I knew I needed to decide against.

“I really don’t have anything to say to you, that’s all,” I muttered to him as I turned around. I bumped my shoulder into his before as I passed him. It was a lie, there were so many things I wanted to say to him, and quite a few of them would probably contain cussing. This wasn’t the time though. It never will be. Matt walked into the room with a clipboard in hand and stood next to the stage curtain. “Alright you guys are on in 10 seconds. Get ready,” He said. I stood in the corner of the room, pretending I was trying to stay out of everyone’s way, when really I was trying to keep from shedding angry tears. Jack looked up and saw me, his face displayed concern as he walked up to me. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly, unsure of what to do.

“Nothing,” I said as my lower lip quivered and my voice gave me away. “Hey, don’t cry,” Jack said as he cupped my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t control myself anymore looking into such familiar eyes. I broke down into tears.

“You’re on,” Matt said. Zack and Rian, who were oblivious to Jack and I in the corner, headed on stage hollering. Alex looked back at me with a confused and worried look on his face. Aw hell, there’s no way I could pretend none of this ever happened. I blinked a few times to clear my vision from the tears and looked back at Jack who was staring at me. “You need to go,” I tried to snap at him, but it came out as a soft whisper.  “They can wait a few extra seconds,” Jack said as he pulled me into a hug. I felt the air leave my lungs, not only because he was crushing me against his chest, but also because I remembered how many times he’s hugged me like this. The memories washed over me and without a though I slammed my hands against him, shoving him off.  “Just get on stage you idiot. Fans are waiting,” I said quickly before I left the room.

Jack didn’t follow me out, and I wasn’t sure if I was happy about that or not.  I ran down the hall and found a janitors supply closet. Without a second thought, I opened the door and went inside, closing the door behind me without turning on a light. Sure it was an odd space, but at least I knew I was going to be left alone. I sat in the dark and pulled my knees to my chest. I dug my fingernails into my legs, wanting to force myself to stop crying. I wasn’t going to let myself lose control and sob over them again. Especially since this time they haven’t done anything. Actually, that was the worst thing they could have done. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I stayed in that closet for half of the concert. Rocking myself back and forth, trying to think of happy memories to cheer myself up. Sadly the only good memories I had were with the guys -who I wanted to forget about more than anything like they forgot about me- my grandparents, or my actually parents who are all now gone forever, taken from me and claimed by death. The boys were supposed to be the last good thing in my life, but even though they are alive and well I knew I couldn’t have them. Even if I was here with them for the tour if they really were mine they would have seen past the job I had and my first name. If they were mine they would have seen sweet little Isis Swtizer who lived down the street, but that’s not how it works now is it?

With my face buried in my hands I heard the closet door open and saw light shine in. I looked up, expecting Jack or Alex to have found me. Instead a middle aged overweight balding man in a janitor’s uniform stood there, staring down at me. I sniffled once as he reached behind me for the mop. Once he had the mop he wordlessly grabbed a roll of toilet paper and offered it to me. I swatted it out of his hand barking at him, “Get out of here you creep!” The janitor shrugged and shut the door, leaving to go clean whatever the freak janitors clean. After a few minutes I wiped any fallen tears from my eyes and stood up. I went to open up the door but tripped over a bucket. I fell to the floor and screamed with frustration. I stood up again and found the door knob. Twisting it and opening the door, I left the small closet and headed back to the green room behind the stage.

I could hear the crowd screaming as all Time Low played a song I remembered from when we were younger. I shook my head as I remembered helping them write this song. Dear Maria Count Me in. I remembered the summer day. I shook my head, wanting the thoughts to fly away. I sat down on a fold up chair and watched the boys dance around on stage, like they were on top of the world. They might as well have been, and I might as well have been a simple jester in the courtyard trying to please everyone while at the same time trying not to be thrown out along with the trash.

This is so not what I meant when I wanted to tour with the boys way back when.