To Be or Not to Be | hamilton

four : alexander

{depression, mentions of blood}

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"He turned you down!"

"Yes, Aaron, I noticed," Alexander grumbled as he laid in his bed. The two were unable to sleep, as the events of the day had them perplexed and deeply troubled.

"What are you going to do?!"

"I..." Alexander paused. "That's a good question."

Aaron was silent for a moment, and Alexander could imagine what he was doing: tracing the seams of his blanket, something he did when he thought. "How did you know what that was?"

Oh God. It was time to have that discussion. "When I was seventeen, there was a hurricane. It destroyed e-everything where I lived..." Alexander paused, closing his eyes. "Including my mother. Everything was gone. Have you ever been in a hurricane?" Alexander paused. "I figured you haven't. It's scary. The sky becomes this... unholy colour, the wind alone is enough to knock you off your feet, and when the water hits..."

"It's like what's in a textbook?"

"No. Well, sort of, but it's far scarier. The first water hits and that may be the scariest part. You suddenly realise that the barracks aren't going to work and the walls aren't high enough and nothing is sturdy enough. And sadly, you're right. There's no safety from a hurricane."

"But what about the eye?"

"I spent that time with my mother. A shard of glass had got her, and she was bleeding out everywhere, and she held my hand as she died." Alexander felt tears, but he forced himself to continue. "She f-she died, h-holding... me."

"Alexander," Aaron breathed out.

"I'm... I'm n-n-not done yet. I... I fell into this d-depression after. I... I did what John did. T-then, my cousin, w-who I was living with... he... he k-killed himself... and... ma-and I realised then I-I had t-to keep l-living. I m-managed to get myself t-to the mainland. H-here I am now."

"Alex..."

"I... I fell back into a depression here. I-I had n-no friends! Life... i-it sucked on t-the C-Caribbean, b-but at least I had... friends there. Here, I... I had no-one. L-life was just... wrong for me. I-I got addicted t-to d-drugs... I... I still a-am... I became a-a-anorexic... a-almost killed m-myself f-from that a-and my d-depression..." Alexander was a snivelling mess, nothing like his normal self, but the floodgates had been opened and there was no stopping his rant. "I... I m-met a g-girl. T-three of t-them. Well, two. One's n-non-binary. A-Angelica, Eliza, and... and Peggy." Alexander smiled a bit, drying his eyes. "T-they he-helped, and I t-think I might ask Eliza out s-soon, on another note."

The last bit must've gone over Aaron's head, or maybe he didn't want to talk about that (not that Alexander blamed him. If Aaron spilled his guts out to Alexander and then ended it on a happy note, Alexander would first want to make sure his friend was okay.). "Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Alexander muttered, suddenly uncomfortable. "It happened, and now it's over and done with. Boom. History."

There was silence for a while. Then: "But... are you okay? You didn't answer my question."

"I.. I don't know. John was p-pretty cute. C-can we invite h-him over one day?"

"God, you're gay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Alexander smiled for the first time that night snd then closed his eyes, his sleep not troubled by hurricanes and death for once.

For once, he slept. And he slept well.