I want to be loved; but I am a complicated person.
I am dark and twisted and particular and not sappy, yet entirely sappy. I am moody and the most impossible person to figure out. I am angry and mellow and indecisive and insecure and messy and a neat freak and a perfectionist.
My idea of love is twisted and warped and widespread and I don't know quite yet how to love; but I know it when I see it and I want to see it in someone else's eyes when they look at me.
I want to love like a best friend. I want to be able to be entirely myself, to tell them about my problems and my insecurities and my crazy family and the depths of my thoughts and my plans for the future and how unsteady they are and my passion for traveling and seeing the world through each and every perspective. I want to trust them, to be able to be with them at any time and never get tired of seeing them or being with them or any of their flaws that make them that much more perfect. I want them to know every little thing that makes me tick, every little detail about me, and I want to know everything about them, every little detail and memory and backstory and every reason behind their perfect little smile.
I want to be loved with a passion. I want to be in love, to be so completely immersed in a person that the rest of the world's problems just seem a bit petty and irrelevant. I want to be loved with a fire that consumes me as if I were covered in gasoline, and our love would be the spark that sets my world ablaze.
I want someone to be in love with my smile. I want someone to love me for my crazy laugh and my nose that moves when I talk and my bad breath and my snarky comments and my eyes and my facial expressions and every little thing that makes me unique; I want someone to look really closely at me and notice every little part of me that separates me from the world and love me all the more for that.
But here's the thing that holds me back: true love doesn't exist. Love is not a feeling. Love fades. Emotions change. No one's feelings towards one person ever stay the same, even if they only change for a whisper of a second.
Love is a choice.
Love is continuing to enjoy people even after they have wronged you, after they have made you mad, betrayed you, or deserted you.
But how do you know when it is time to let love go? You have to choose to let people go just as much as you have to choose who to love, and I, for one, am not too great on decision making.
I feel things too easily. Maybe that's my problem; I love everyone and people let me down and I don't even notice because I'm too busy loving. I have to realize at some point that I have to let some people go, and not everyone that flirts with me or shows me any sign of affection is worth my love. I have to sort out those who actually care for me and those who do not.
But I want to be loved, and that will be my damnation.
