Dear Dead Diary

Wow

So on May 30th 2016 I was at a ball game with my best friend. We were talking when she told me that my boyfriend had texted her awhile back and not just text, but sext. I was shattered and mad at the same time. I loved that boy with all of my broken, small, dark fucking heart. So fucking much. I loved his touch, his eyes, his smell, His hair, his hands, him. I loved kissing him. I loved hugging him. I loved it when he touched my thighs and rubbed my back and legs. I loved it when he would lay his head on me and I would run my hands through his hair. I loved play fighting with him. I loved laughing with him. I loved smiling with him. I loved laying on his lap. I loved making fun of each other. I miss him teaching me how to throw knifes. He taught me how to open one of his once. I loved loving him. That's all gone now. The thought of him having any kind of intimate interaction with another human being made me so damn sick. I guess not knowing things is sometimes for the best.

I texted him about how I found out and we broke up. A day before his birthday, May 31. That night my best friend and I were hanging out with some friends of hers, guys. One of the guys and I were low key flirting and later on he ended up grabbing my breasts. Anyways, my best friend spent the night that night and we stayed up pretty late talking about life and stupid shit. When she fell asleep I fell apart and I went outside and cried so that I wouldn't wake anyone up. I cried and cried. It must have been 20 minutes straight that I cried so hard. So hard I was hyperventilating, That I was shaking. Then I went back inside and cut a few times. I fell asleep around 6:00 in the morning and woke up around 8:00.

That day we took my friend home and I spent the rest of the day either crying or sleeping. I didn't have any other things to do. So I broke. At night it was hell. I cut and cut and cut that night. Crying hard. Not getting any sleep.
Just being so fucking empty.