It as about a week ago that I was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. Yes, cancer that sickness that once you get it clings on to you like there's no tomorrow.
I'm obviously in pain, everything hurts. My head won't stop spinning, my body is aching, but my lungs feel like its on fire. The feeling that it keeps burning, no one can stop it. I couldn't breathe, I can never breathe it's like every breath I take would be my last.
It hurt so much, but what hurt more is seeing Phil. Today can just be the last day I see him, the last day I can hold his hand, the last day I can kiss his perfect lips. Today can be the last day I can say "I love you".
It also hurts that I might never see the fans again, I'll never hear their high pitch screams, feel their warm hugs whenever we meet them, their bright smiles, the love the send even if they're from the other side of the world. It will hurt.
It already hurts.
Today might be the last day I film a danisnotonfire video, today might be the last day we make a baking video, today might be the last day heart eyes Howell can be caught on camera, or when I push Phil off his chair when he makes a bad pun.
Today can be the last of, anything.
I'm too afraid to look a Phil, to talk to him, because I know tomorrow I might die and never see him again.
I'll see everyone's tears, I'll never see the same smiles everyone used to have. They'll just be sad, because of me.
I'm going to die, no doubt about that. I just didn't know I'd die this soon, at the age 25.
25. Who knew? After tatinof USA, after my birthday in Vegas. I didn't know I'd die at 25. I honestly thought I would day at 50, maybe 60, I didn't know this touch of cancer can just ruin my life forever.
I've been making people happy ever since 2009 with my videos and little comedy sketches, now I'll be making everyone sad and depressed starting 2017 just because I couldn't fight out my cancer.
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It's been a month. I've been pushing everyone away. Everyone. My family, my friends, the fans, Phil.
Phil.
I've been pushing him away, everyday he knocks on my door bringing food and some movies. I don't look at him, I don't smile at him.
He's so pale now, more than usual. His eyes are always red and puffy and he always has tear stained cheeks.
It's because of me.
Still deep in my thoughts I don't realise Phil walks in my room.
He's holding a tray of vegetables, fruits, dvds.
He looks so broken.
"Dan, we need to talk" he says, placing down the tray.
I don't answer.
I can't.
I'm too weak.
"Dan please don't push me away, we can get through this together."
I don't reply.
He takes a seat next to me on my bed.
"Dan we can do this together, I promise. You can fight this, you can fight your cancer, but I can't help you if you don't let me in. " Phil says.
He starts to cry.
I look at him, I'm too weak to speak.
"Dan, please" he chokes on his words, he won't stop crying.
