It's been a year since Dan died,
A year since I lost my bear.
A year since I lost the love of my life, my boyfriend, my angel.
My everything.
Dan's funeral was quiet and short, many people came ranging from family, to friends, even to some Phandom members that lived near by.
I didn't pay much attention to anything really, I was so caught up that Dan Howell died right infront of my eyes, right in my arms.
Everyone was hurt, especially me.
I feel so broken, so helpless.
I had my bear one day, the next day he was gone. I wish I could just turn back time and make his last day, his best.
I couldn't, I can't.
I haven't uploaded a video ever since he died mainly because whenever I would talk, I would start to cry.
This time I need to film a video, I need the fans to know that even though Dan died they still have me.
They still have me.
"Hey guys! As you all may have noticed I haven't filmed a video in a year. I'm really sorry about that I've been really broken recently.
Ever since Dan died, I haven't been the same. I don't smile as much as I usually do, I barely get out of the house. I always feel a pain in my chest whenever I see pictures of Dan.
I've been going to therapy, but it's not working. The doctor even suggested taking antidepressants, it didn't really help. Nothing is really working, honestly. It's like I can never be happy ever again.
I'm a sad depressed Phil, but I'm coping, sort of.
It's been a year since Dan died. I can't believe it honestly. It's been a year since I've seen my bear, it's been a year since I've seen heart-eyes Howell.
It's been a year since the love of my life, died infront of my eyes.
I really want to just talk to Dan, I miss him. I miss him more than I'll ever miss anything in my entire life.
I miss Dan so much, I hate waking up without him by my side.
I hate knowing that he didn't win his fight against cancer.
I hate having to buy these flowers when I visit him in the cemetery rather than when it's Valentine's Day.
I miss my bear. " I start crying, I miss Dan so much.
"Dan, if you can hear me, I love you so much. You are my everyday, you are my knight and shining armor.
Dan, you are the reason why I didn't quit YouTube and why I am still trying so hard to be a better person now. "
I can't do this, I feel so broken.
"Dan, I miss you, I love you.
Everyday I have to wake up without you and it hurts.
You made me love myself, you made me learn how to love. "
I need to stop this, I can't do this anymore.
"I want my bear back" I sob into my hands.
This was my video for Dan, I wish he was as here to see it.
"Dan, I love you"
with that, I end the video.
I'm such a destroyed boy.
I lost the love of my life,
I'm falling apart,
But I'm still here.
I'm still here for everyone that needs me, even if it hurts me.
